monday....

I started a middle school three years ago. I was given a half year to plan for it, but it would open in '04 ready or not. I had to hire staff, secure furniture, institute procedures. Etc. Etc. Etc. In a system of 1.2 million kids, 1199 schools, 80,000 plus teachers, 6, 000 plus administrators, I had to "open" a school. I spent many a questioning night. I still do. My school wasn't a pre-existing situation that I stepped into. It didn't have a "culture". A way of doing business. A way to look at kids and learning. All that had to be developed. And I was asked to develop it. And I think we're getting there.

I am immensely proud of my school. And it is mine.

But I am also humbled. Because I don't do it alone. I've learned that I just have to let some things be. I sell. A vision. Of how kids should be treated. And educated. And respected. I'm harsh with people/staff who don't buy in. But I know that it's a reality I have to accept and do. No excuses. We're about the kids.

I knew this school would demand a certain type of leadership. My role in a larger, pre-existing school would be different. You can't run both the same. I wouldnt attempt too. I don't want another school. This is my school. I want to retire from it. And then come back and visit. If the then principal would let me. If not, no biggie.

I don't need this school for my ego. My ego is fine. I need this school to succeed for the 300 amazing kids who come most every day.

Ladies and gents......lean in......it's about the kids.

August...

I made vacation plans today. I'm glad we settled the contract issues. I'm off to Ireland then home for a day or so and off to Vegas with my youngers daughter. Two weeks. I'm going to Ireland by myself...gonna hang mostly in Dublin, maybe go down to Kinsale. No driving. I'll take buses and rails. Vegas will be cool. I'm getting familiar with it. My sister is so gracious. I wanna hit red rocks again. The buffet at the Wynn. It's the energy of Vegas. And the chance to just hang out with my sister. Ireland is different. That goes to who I am. Vegas goes to where I wanna be. I wanna be able to drop by my sisters on a Tuesday and get thrown out just before dinner.....knowing I'll see her on the weekend. I wanna take Storm to the dog park. It's gonna be fun.

today...

I got to work, as I usually do, at about 6:45. I did what I usually do....check email....the daily schedule. Sometimes I can feel what the day is gonna be like but today wasn't one of those days. And at about 7:20 ***** , a student, walked into my office. Ten minutes later, ***** also a student, walked in. And we talked of summer plans....how they will visit family in other parts of the country, sports stars they didn't know, rappers they did (Tupac & Will Smith were prominent). It was the best part of my day. I love when kids come in and feel so comfortable that they can just talk. I don't have to be Mr. ***, I can just be me. An adult whose been through some stuff, who wants the best for you, but who's gonna be holding you to things.

I don't mind being Mr. ******. It goes with the territory. But it's nice to step outside of it from time to time. I was with a friend after work, and he asked what I was doing this weekend ( we call them "mini-vacations") and I said I was stepping out of the Mr. ^^^^ suit. He laughed. But understood. Don't misunderstand, I like what I do. I'm in the right place at the right time. I have three years. Then I take off the Mr. ^^^^ suit for good and move on. But not with regrets. With smiles. I have no regrets.

I wanna move to Vegas in three years. My sister is there already. I want us to be in the same area. For awhile, I thought I wanted to relocate to Ireland. But Vegas is where I want to be. I wanna write, consult, teach some. I wanna put the Mr ^^^^ suit in the closet. I'm happy with who I am.

Perfect moments....

I've had three or four blogs. Yes, stories unto themselves. I've been advised by people I trust not to blog at all. But I'm stubborn. I think there's real value in a blog. I've always worked things out by writing, and a blog seems to be a natural extension of that. Plus, I think we're part of a shared humanity and blogging can make an inroad into us realizing that we're all connected. So the whole Iago should I or shouldn't I blog was worked out for me a while ago. Why I've had three or four blogs would be a separate entry.
My life, at the moment, revolves around school, and my daughters. And my younger daughter gave me a thrill today. We often wonder how our kids feel about us. As parents. As people. Ok, maybe only I wonder. And we stockpile those "perfect moments." My daughters have gven me many. Whether it's a call, out of the blue, from my older daughter telling me how she did on something. Or today, my younger daughter sharing SAT news. As a dad, it just makes me smile inside.

today...

I like my blog.....I've had three or four. My sister has jazzed up the space. I've respected someone else's wishes and am not commenting on a three year period of my life. People are entitled to their privacy and one needs to move on. It's all good.

I don't really have much to say. I'm very busy at school. Scores are in. I'm making plans for next year. 8 kids won't be at graduation. or the prom. and if I hadn't alerted them throughout the year I'd feel bad.......but honestly....i did....and they didn't ......and i don't. Reality bites.

a teacher told me I was machiavellian today. Maybe they're right. i'm trying to build a community. we're three years into it. i know where I want to be. but i do, willingly, move the pieces around the chessboard. I have no choice. it's my job.

call me what you want.

Being tagged...

My sister, possessor of much wisdom, has chosen to "tag" me. Why I know not, unless she's taking pity on me cause so few read and comment on my blog.... I'm supposed to list 8 habits/random aspects about myself. Ok....I'll tell you what else I'm supposed to do at the end of the list.
(1) I still miss her.
(2) My daughters are more important to me than they know.
(3) I go to school happy each morning.
(4) My sister is my confidante.
(5) I'm tough to deal with at times.
(6) I still miss her.
(7) I don't fear much at all.
(8) I know my failures. And have accepted them. And have moved on.

Ok....I'm now supposed to tag other people. But I haven't read enough blogs to tag anyone. Hope it's ok...

Illusions

I have precious few illusions about myself. I may not always tell the truth (yeah I am gonna quit smoking....soon.....).....but trust me......or don't.......I've been, and am, honest with myself. Since '97 I don't delude myself. Especially not about why I do what I do. I want to understand myself. That demands honesty. I like to joke that I'm not easy -- that I'm advanced relationship material........and that's the truth. If you want a relationship with me you better bring all that you are.....you're gonna need it. But I don't think you want one. Not with me. There are other, more politically correct choices, out there. Actually, I'm not intentionally difficult. It just kinda works out that way. Actually I'm not good relationship material. There are better, easier, choices. Men who will make you happier beyond your dreams. And that's what you want, isn't it?? I ain't one of those choices. I test. I'm flawed. Not necessarily anything I'm proud of....but there are better men, more relationship ready, men, then me. I have these flaws.
Why do I write this? Cause it's true. I've only had one relationship that came closest to "working." I don't anticipate being in another relationship. And those of you sitting there going "yeah, right." You aren't. This isn't a plea for a relationship. It's just me writing. If a relationship happens (i'll be amazed) i won't walk away....but i'm really just trying to understand....me....flaws and all.

tonight

I plan to move to Vegas in 3 years. I'll have been in my job for 6 yrs. by then. My daughter will be in college. The other will be out of law school. It'll be time. I'll write....teach a bit. Consult. The other piece holding me from Vegas is my mom. Obviously I cant leave until her situation is resolved. And it's not as cold blooded as its sounding. I just have a few items holding me here. I really want to be in Vegas. I've been in a relationship for 24 out of the last 30 yrs. All good , strong women. All relationships that failed. I don't do relauonships well. It's a character flaw. The hard part has been knowing that I'm an okay person as these relationships have crashed around me. I survive. So do they.
I bought "rescue me" season 2 today. I'm watching it now. the denis leary character is flawed. I love the show.

In the moment...

I left work early yesterday. Usually you have to jaws of life to get me out of there. But I felt terrible. I went to the doctor today and I have three distinct infections. Chest, eye, and sinus. I'm not a big take a pill for it but I now have sprays, etc. up the wazoo. And I still feel like shit. I watched my sister become a guinea (?) pig for Sloan with metaports in her neck and experimental drugs and nothing worked. It kinda jaundiced me on doctors. My daughter had to argue with me to go to the hospital when I had the stent put in.
I don't like doctors. For most of my life I've had more energy than anyone. Knock me down. I got back up. Emotionally. Personally. Job-wise. As Bono sang....."there;s nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." Or, "I'm not broken but you can see the cracks." And that's okay. I do have cracks. I'm flawed. But I don't scare. And that's how I look at doctors. I don't put off my health but I don't run scared.
Lately though, that energy has waned. I don't know why. But it has. My kids, both personally and at school. can pump me up. I try to be with them as much as possible. It's why I do lunch duty, and loiter in the hallways.....they need to see me and I need to see them.
I'm just curious about the energy.

thoughts...

I am a huge fan of the Highlander (only the TV series the movies suck) and Extreme Home Makeover. I don't answer my phone on Sunday nights from 8 to 9PM. Extreme Home Makeover is about families, single dads, single moms who get caught in situations they don't create but have to deal with. And that's the part that strikes me. As much as we talk about choice, and ownership of decisions, and being adult, sometimes the universe just assorts randomly and tramples all over our choice. Im not excusing anything. I understand about personal responsiility. I just know that sometimes our best intentions aren't enough. Stuff happens. And then Extreme Home Makeover supplies ..... hope. And let's us know that yeah, we are all connected and it's kinda nice to be...human. The Highlander is different. I value words like honor, and loyalty. I haven't always been able to live up to them. But it's never stopped me from trying. I believe one must have a moral code. Part of that code involves loyalty. And honor. And responsibility. And choice. All are reflected in the HighlanderTV show. When it was on in nyc I used to watch it twice a day. Duncan was flawed. Much like the Denis Leary character is flawed.
Much like me.

a beautiful Saturday..

It is beautiful here today. I ran some errands this AM, talked to my sister, did a 4.5 mile walk. The weather is just so gorgeous and energizing. I haven't been writing any single themed entries lately. It's been more of a "notes" situation. I don't know why. Nothings wrong. I just don't have much to say..and the universe assorts randomly...