year 3 done

we finished our third year today. which filled me with a mix of happiness and sadness. individually there are kids who I looked forward to seeing everyday. collectively, they were a tough group. it's one of the things i love about teaching. the recycling. making a difference. starting anew. you go for ten months, get involved, talk, implore, coax, believe, model. then it's summer and you get to go to the beach, work summer school, reflect, plan, hire, reflect, sit comfortably with friends and laugh, and in september, another chance to get it right. within ten months. I'm confident about my odds.
I don't break my life into public and private areas. There's just my life. It's a big picture moment. I live it.....examine it.....question myself....and move on...I don't have answers all the time.....I do fnd the answers.......don't depend on me for them....but I'll be honest,....and hold myself accountable. It works for me.

Random Thoughts...

Father's Day just passed. My daughters came by. We ate at a new Japanese restaurant. If you've been reading the blog you know how I feel about them. They're special. My sister sent me this amazing card for father's day. I have a lot of memories of my dad. Mostly bad. We were sort of like oil and water. It was my goal when I was a teenager to piss him off as much as possible. I was pretty successful at it. It was a policy I continued into adulthood. I know why. The last six months of his life I sat at his bedside. I wasn't embarrassed. He slept. We talked. Gradually we came to know eachother. It didn't make us friends. It made us friendly. For 37 years my dad woke every morning and as the monkey noises in his head grew to a crescendo.....said no. He was an alcoholic who didn't drink for 37 years. How amazing is that?
I'm a chronic smoker. Have been all my life. Cost me my best relationship. I've been through 2 types of pills to quit, had acupuncture, worn the patch, been hypnotized....gone cold turkey......basically done everything.....and .......failed each and every time.. But yet my dad succeeded. He dealt with his major demon....and survived.....and won. I can't say that. So maybe he knew something I didn't. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day this upcoming weekend. I'm somewhat conflicted. My dad died a year ago. We weren't close. Well, lemme explain. He had a long illness. I visited everyday. Sometime we sat. Sometimes we talked. I talked freely with him. He responded in a way with which I wasn't familiar. But I went every day. We got closer. And then he died. It was a period of my life in which I wasn't making good decisions.I'm not proud of the me I was then.....but it was me.....I own what I did...and move on....
To reflect on my own daughters and being a dad.
They are the finest moments of my life. My girls. Each are someone I listen too. Both are amazingly smart, strong women. Both were there the night I was made assistant principal. I wanted to shine in their eyes. My older daughter and I have long discussions on public policy, etc. My younger daugther and I go to the mall and make fun of people. And laugh. They both fill my soul in ways they dont know but that I have to tell them. I do.
I learned how to be a dad from my dad. I remembered everything he did when I was growing up. And then did the opposite. Pretty simple formula. Luckily it worked. I told him that on a day we talked. He laughed. At least I was good for something he say. Then he told me what a good dad I was..
I am. I work at it everyday.

Words, part 2

Relationship. I don't think I'll have another. Not for any real specific reason. I just don't do them well. I'm not looking. Ain't interested. Because I know what they take. Emotionally, mentally. I'm no longer prepared to invest myself in one.

Honesty. I like this word. Along with loyalty its one of my favorites. At a certain point, I decided that I wanted to live according to a certain moral and ethical code. Honesty is part of that.

Although I gotta say the code doesn't always work. I'm human. And my new favorite word, flawed. As in not perfect. I don't live for anyone else. Not my daughters. Not my father's memory. Nor my sister's.

I live for me. I schlepp through my day. I talk with teachers. Talk with students. About what's right and how kids learn. And then one or both of my daughters will chime in. And there's paperwork. And questions about what to make for diner. Mundane. But in all those moments, I take a little something away for the next day. Might just be a smile. Maybe a teacher finally realizes something. Maybe I realize something.

And the new day brings a new opportunity. To get it right.

Words....

I like words like honor. It's an important word. I've tried to live my life by it. It has become part of my code. We decide how, and by what, we want to live our life. To live a life guided by the concept of honor strikes notes within me. Loyalty is another important word. I am intensely loyal -- almost to a fault. It's another code word. When it comes to a question of loyalty I know how I will pick. There are people you jump into the foxhole with....who you go down with......who you take a bullet for (metaphorically of course....lol) people who have to be caught with the videotape before you change your mind. And there are peopl e who get what you're doing.....who are part of your "team." It's important to know the difference,

heresy...

this is my 40th entry on this blog. if you count my other blogs I'm up over 100. I know it. I'm not a natural at what I do. I have to work thru things, convince people to support what we're doing, keep kids in classes, always try to build , bridge, change, expand. People think I roll out of bed, show up, and it works. Yeah, it works, but the hours spent getting it to work aren't seen.
This isn't to plea, or to rail about my job. I love my job. I wanna do it three more years. Then I'm off to Vegas. I wanna spend time with my sister. But what I've noticed about my job is that I can't change the culture until I get people in place who support the culture I want. That's the heresy I've learned. To change a culture, you need to change the people. Senge and everyone else claims you can just change the culture. You can't. I know that now.

the natural

People call me a "natural." Claim that what I do just "happens." That I just "know" how to handle things. That I look like it just flows. That I don't have to work.That I can just appear, and I'll be fine. But "people" would be wrong. I'm a long way from natural. I work hard to appear natural. But underneath it all, I'm not a natural. I work really hard. When I first started teaching I would spend three hours a night writing scripts for myself. Every speech I've ever given -- my sisters wedding, my fathers funeral -- I worked and practiced. Does that make me less honest? I don;t think so. I'm just not a natural. And never claimed to be. Other people have. Their perception. I know myself. But it's fun to watch. Because then comes the claim that I can manipulate situations. I don't pose, I have a job that demands............skills. I have them.