a few thoughts...

I've been alone -- defined as not in a relationship -- for about two and a half years now. It's ok.....I date....but I've been alone -- defined as having no-one to share thoughts, etc. with -- while I was in relationships. One needs to decide how -- in life -- to be "alone" with oneself. It's a tough question. And not easy to answer. I think at the heart of it.....and after much reflection with a dash of therapy...it comes down to how honest you can be with yourself. Can one admit what you know in your head? What's in your heart? To yourself? Or, do a few good rationalizations get you through the day? Your day.
My life is full. My daughters are my soul and a huge facet of my life. My work/job is something I really love and look forward to going to every day. I can't imagine my life without it. Both my daughters and my work are sources of great pride. My ex-, and my sister, are amazing women. Full of strength and smart opinions that I trust. My friends are pretty cool. I depend on them for much.
But still, I'm alone. I try to learn how to deal with the aloneness every day. It isn't emptiness. Don't be confused. It's being alone. I used to think that self discovery, or greater self knowledge, would remedy that. And the self knowledge is absolutely essential. Critical even. But I don't think it removes the aloneness. I think that's a myth we're sold.
I really think it comes down to what we opereate from. Either fear or love. I've chosen love.
I think the aloneness is just part of the deal in a randomly assorting universe.

still..

I'm still sick. This headcold just won't leave me. I was supposed to fly out West to see my daughter and then drop down to spend time with my sister. But my daughter is sick and in NYC for treatment and I just decided -- I'm sick, she's sick, might as well just hang out in NYC -- so here I am. I do miss my sister though. It's either gonna be visiting her or Ireland in April. Dublin might be the ticket.
I've decided to be healthy. I've started to walk again and tomorrow the gym beckons.No, silly.....I still intend to smoke.Yeah, yeah, I know. Do we feel better now? But I do want to get back into the gym and walk and be a bit smarter about how I eat, etc.

just thoughts....

I'm preoccupied by things. I'm sick with a nasty headcold.. I'm flawed. I've got to deal with the flaws -- I know, I know...when? I dunno. And one daughter is unhappy where she is while the other is physically sick and faces surgery. One just deals. I can't fix it all even though my instinct is to believe I can. But I know, deep down, I can't. The trick, right now, is to be nice to myself. In the past I would tear through, and beat myself up, and demand more. Of myself. But I won't. I'll do what I can. And that will have to be good enough.