Just one reality

I'm worried. I've been going thru the motions this summer. Kinda on autopilot. Summer school is by nature different. Few, if any, discipline problems. A time to plan actually. I try to not email my staff. Everyone needs time to get their head together. And that's the problem.
My head isn't into it. I can't say it any straighter than that. Usually, at this time of year, after 18 years, I begin to get charged up. I miss the kids. The internal clock starts sending messages. I start to rev a bit. I have a mental checklist. 6th gr. orientation. staff orientation. handbook. Frankly, I start missing it. Missing the new year. The new group of kids. Missing how we can do this work better. Setting standards for what I expect of myself. Knowing the vision. And knowing that action follows it.
And I am feeling some of those things. But the primordial, this is mine, I have to build it....hasn't hit yet. And without it, I wonder how I can do the work I know I need too.

This and that

I just realized that it's my birthday in a month. I dunno, I've grown somewhat tired of the whole "birthday" thing. I mean, I've had a lot of them. Some stand out. Like my 30th. Most fade in memory. When my daughters were growing up, I couldn't wait to see their handmade cards. And the hugs and kisses that went with them.Those were special. Buit really, I've had a lot of birthdays. I've never known exactly what I was supposed to do. To me they were just a day. But others seemed to get ramped up about them.
I also realized this weekend, after the birthday realization, that around my birthday both daughters will be geographically far away. One will be in Boston while the other is in California. So much of my life since '97 has been trying to figure out how to be a good dad, how to fit my life into theirs. I've gotten pretty good at it. And I knew after a week at school, I could see them. Yeah...I can phone them. And I will. But I definitely don't like the idea of them being so far away. As much as I know that this is the way it has to be. They are adult women. They need to live their lives. I've raised them for this day. Along with my ex. But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. Some things you just file away, and some you work hard to get to that place where you're okay with things. I have to work to get to that place.