My daughter came home unexpectedly. I have two. Daughters. One is dealing with an auto-immune illness. It's been checked for a while. Until now. She lives on the other coast but flew in because....even in this time of "hope" her insurance is only valid here. Unfortunately, she lives there. As a parent when your child is sick it just rips your heart out. Maybe I should have insisted -- even though she's a grown woman -- that she live here.I really wish I had been there the day they gave out child rearing manuals. I have to figure out how to be there for her regardless of the feelings raging inside of me. I keep reapeating, it's not about me.
Other things, I wrote about being flawed. I am. And I'm okay with it. I know what I bring to things. I know my demons. Accepting being flawed does not give me an excuse. The recognition doesn't ennable me to slide forward. Acceptance of being flawed entails acceptance of fixing the flaws. That may be the drawback. I know my flaws but am not always ready to fix them. It's a problem.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
on being flawed....
I have to get my car cleaned tomorrow. We've had cold snaps, snow, rain, below freezing temps, and my 9 yr. old car needs a carwash. Badly. People tell me, because of my job, I should have a newer, sleeker, jazzier car. Tis okay. My car, much like it's owner, is flawed. Oh, it looks okay but there are nicks and scratches and cracks, and a window that doesn't work and needs to be duct taped. I generally get my car washed regularly when I'm in a relationship. I haven't been for about 2 yrs. I have been dating. So I clean it occassionally. But there isn't a rush to any of this.
I used to believe I had to be perfect. It caused me great stress and anger. I wanted to be perfect but I've learned to like myself as I am. Flawed. But I've learned I just have to try to be the best "me" I can. It's a subtle but effective switch in thinking.
I used to believe I had to be perfect. It caused me great stress and anger. I wanted to be perfect but I've learned to like myself as I am. Flawed. But I've learned I just have to try to be the best "me" I can. It's a subtle but effective switch in thinking.
Monday, January 19, 2009
this moment
I've been swept up in the inaugural and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It's a nice feeling. I really believe that this election will be a transforming moment of hope for us as individuals and the country. And that's a great thing. Lord knows we need it. What's coming across to me through all the media, etc. is that we now have to take personal responsibility. And that's a good thing. No excuses.
Excuses are done.
And they should be. As I've grown, I spent considerable time trying to discover who I am. Through three different jobs, two different relationships, through being a father, always the questions for me have been how do I become more honest with myself and who am I?
For most of my life, music has played an important role. And the music of U2 has been predominant. Right now, a line from "City Of Lights" has stayed in my mind. "What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?" I've been wondering about that. I always try to look to the light (love) rather than the darkness (fear) to lead my life. I've been trying to get back to the "beauty" I know I had inside me at various points. It's a struggle. I've said it elsewhere. I'm flawed.
Excuses are done.
And they should be. As I've grown, I spent considerable time trying to discover who I am. Through three different jobs, two different relationships, through being a father, always the questions for me have been how do I become more honest with myself and who am I?
For most of my life, music has played an important role. And the music of U2 has been predominant. Right now, a line from "City Of Lights" has stayed in my mind. "What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?" I've been wondering about that. I always try to look to the light (love) rather than the darkness (fear) to lead my life. I've been trying to get back to the "beauty" I know I had inside me at various points. It's a struggle. I've said it elsewhere. I'm flawed.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
i have always
needed, and wanted, to write.
I have a story to live, share, write about.
I share it only in the hope that you might glean some insight into your own journey. Nothing else.
I'm lonely. And alone. My life is full. Yet empty. I'm whole. Yet you can see the cracks. I'm many things.
Mostly.
I'm flawed.
Full of positives and contradictions and shortcomings,
But flawed.
At war with myself. At peace with my place in the world.
Like Gatsby, I know appearances are everything. But i may not care what you think.
I know, and accept, that we are motivated by love (good) and fear. I try to avoid the fear and move toward the good. It isn't always easy.
Hence my war with myself at times.
But mostly.
I'm flawed.
I'm okay with that.
I have a story to live, share, write about.
I share it only in the hope that you might glean some insight into your own journey. Nothing else.
I'm lonely. And alone. My life is full. Yet empty. I'm whole. Yet you can see the cracks. I'm many things.
Mostly.
I'm flawed.
Full of positives and contradictions and shortcomings,
But flawed.
At war with myself. At peace with my place in the world.
Like Gatsby, I know appearances are everything. But i may not care what you think.
I know, and accept, that we are motivated by love (good) and fear. I try to avoid the fear and move toward the good. It isn't always easy.
Hence my war with myself at times.
But mostly.
I'm flawed.
I'm okay with that.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
i need
to write. I always have. From the poetry of my early years to this blog, I've had this need to write. For a long time I didn't accept, nor understand, it. But not anymore. Writing is just part of who I am.
and that's been the real journey, figuring out who I am. I've learned more and more as the years have past by. I haven't always liked what I learned. But I know it's the truth. Through therapy, through meditiation, through discussions, through reflection. I get closer to learning who I am. Can I accept it? But through it all, I write.
now a blog. that evidentually nobody reads. I'd like to say that's okay. I write the blog to enter into a discussion about what we all -- since I believe we're interconnected -- experience. And plus, my ego likes feedback. But maybe it shouldn't. Maybe the writing, the "putting it out there" should be enough. Lord knows there are larger issues than this that I want to address.
i've been thinking a lot about relationships and intimacy lately. After my divorce, I went through a terrible time learning how to live alone. ANd deal with the loneliness. I lived with my sister for a while, and then got an apartment by myself. It was a difficult time. My sister was amazing. She helped me so easily. But I had been married for so long, and at such an early age, that I never learned how to be on my own. I stumbled into a short (3 months) intense relationship that was a disaster. I went into therapy. A few years past. The point was that through it all I felt like someone "de-iced" from an earlier time period. I knew none of the shorthand, none of the tells.Simply, I was lost.
married for 20 years, alone for 6, through therapy and all the rest, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. The point being that I continued to examine, reflect, question. And amazing things were happening for me professionally. I was given the chance to do something truly special in a field that was going to define my life. I leapt at it. And my girls. The reflection they held up to me forced me to understand that it was not about me. And that thought settled in....deeply. It isn't about me.
i learned it was about what I give back. That, I've learned, is the real key. It isn't about getting things -- recognition, money, etc. -- it's about what we give back. What we give back nourishes what's inside us. And allows us to grow.....and change.....and keep grasping at hope.
i wish I could say I fell into a relationship and everything was fine and I'm wonderful. But I can't. Life is never that simple. More about that later. And I'm definitely not wonderful. I'm not done. There's work I need to keep doing.
and that's been the real journey, figuring out who I am. I've learned more and more as the years have past by. I haven't always liked what I learned. But I know it's the truth. Through therapy, through meditiation, through discussions, through reflection. I get closer to learning who I am. Can I accept it? But through it all, I write.
now a blog. that evidentually nobody reads. I'd like to say that's okay. I write the blog to enter into a discussion about what we all -- since I believe we're interconnected -- experience. And plus, my ego likes feedback. But maybe it shouldn't. Maybe the writing, the "putting it out there" should be enough. Lord knows there are larger issues than this that I want to address.
i've been thinking a lot about relationships and intimacy lately. After my divorce, I went through a terrible time learning how to live alone. ANd deal with the loneliness. I lived with my sister for a while, and then got an apartment by myself. It was a difficult time. My sister was amazing. She helped me so easily. But I had been married for so long, and at such an early age, that I never learned how to be on my own. I stumbled into a short (3 months) intense relationship that was a disaster. I went into therapy. A few years past. The point was that through it all I felt like someone "de-iced" from an earlier time period. I knew none of the shorthand, none of the tells.Simply, I was lost.
married for 20 years, alone for 6, through therapy and all the rest, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. The point being that I continued to examine, reflect, question. And amazing things were happening for me professionally. I was given the chance to do something truly special in a field that was going to define my life. I leapt at it. And my girls. The reflection they held up to me forced me to understand that it was not about me. And that thought settled in....deeply. It isn't about me.
i learned it was about what I give back. That, I've learned, is the real key. It isn't about getting things -- recognition, money, etc. -- it's about what we give back. What we give back nourishes what's inside us. And allows us to grow.....and change.....and keep grasping at hope.
i wish I could say I fell into a relationship and everything was fine and I'm wonderful. But I can't. Life is never that simple. More about that later. And I'm definitely not wonderful. I'm not done. There's work I need to keep doing.
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