another Sunday...Part 2

I don't believe in surrendering. I don't believe in asking less of myself than I have to give. I don't believe in not examing myself. I don't believe in not having standards. To borrow a U2 line I don't believe there's anything you can throw at me that I haven't dealt with. What, married for 20 yrs. to your best friend and then be asked to leave? I can handle that. Change careers at 36? Yeah....no problem. Have my sister die at 40? Yeah....won't be a day that goes by that I don't think of her....but I'll survive. I'm not broken but you can see the cracks. But I know it matters. I love what I do. I'm good at it. It's mine. I'm not living in some attic or basement. I'm living my life....right now.

Another....Sunday

I was asked, roughly three years ago, to start a middle school. A public middle school. I believe I was just in the right place at the right time. I hadn't been in education too long. I had done a variety of things within the building. I never considered being in a school "work." It was my work....my calling. Kids were central to that. And I got this wonderfull opportunity. And then the real education began. What was my vision? Who to hire who shared that? What type of leader was I ? Did I have a philosophy? And the grassroots questions....that appeared daily....that are too many to list here.....that grab at your attention and time.
I believe I took this job at the absolute right time in my life. I had failed at everything I'd done prior to it. In both relationships and business. I came with baggage. But .....and this isn't self indulgence....or ego....but I know what kind of chance I was being given. And I hoped I had created a solid professional approach and reputation. But I also understood that I had to take every experience....all my beliefs about kids and school and education....and I had to risk. It was "step up or step aside" time.
I chose to step up.

#9........an old friend...

An old friend visited today. I really wanted him to. He was part of the struggle of the first year. We're in our third. He provided a ton of support that first year. He claims I always knew what to do, he just pointed out certain things. To me, he was a source of Yoda-like information, someone who kept pushing me, often when I felt like I was failing, to keep honing the message, keep trying to refine things, keep trying to keep people on point. I've missed him and the honest exchange he brought. So I wanted him to visit. For me, it's step up or step aside time. I'm impatient that way.

#8

I couldn't sleep last night -- I know, you needed to know that -- and found myself in front of the TV. Denis Leary has a show on cable, "Rescue Me." Really a good show. Realistic. Gritty. Complex. Concerning a nyc firefighter post 9/11. On the show, Leary is the central figure. Divorced, possibly alcoholic (I only saw three espisodes). Lives across the street from his ex (ok, that's a stretch). Devoted to his kids. But what attracted me throughout the three episodes was the fact that his character is flawed. He has demons -- what he's seen (in one episode he's followed by people who've died in horrific circumstances); and experienced. He's haunted (literally) by his cousin, a firefighter who died in 9/11 and who he talks too. Flawed. It's what attracts me to shows like this, or "House." Ensemble casts true, but the central figures are flawed. The world they inhabit isn't black and white. Their characters lives can't be reduced to easily identified figures. No classic heroes. No clear rational lines. No pillars of virtue -- although at times they echo all of that. They are complex, made up of both sterling moments and moments not so sterling. Characters that aren't so easily defined or categorized. In one episode, Leary's character starts drinking again after 14 months. At one point he throws all his liquor in the trash. "I'm stopping the slide," he tells his cousin. Later in the episode he retrieves the liquor. Flawed. But they kind of mirror reality.
When I was younger I wanted, and believed I could make, the world black and white. Simple. It was pretty clear to me. But now, it isn't so black and white. I can't make up a list of pluses and minuses. I do...but I know that that's just part of the equation. Life isn't simple. We --people -- are both complex...and flawed.

#7

I love comics. Their use of language, their heart ... standing on stage.....alone. The connections they make. Denis Miller. Dennis Leary. Leno (before the Tonight Show when he was funny). Robin Willians. Chris Rock. Some comics are funny out of a nuerotic need....Eddie Murphy....that type doesn't do it for me. The best I probably ever saw was Pryor. Simply amazing in his ability to weave language with stereotypes that you recognized. The laughter wasn't AT some group the comic was singling out but rather at our common humanity. I could see myself in the people Miller, and Leary, and Pryor, and Rock were creating. But if they could use language.....make connections....I was willing to sit there. Richard Jeni committed suicide today. At least that's what the tickertape says. And that saddens me. I watched him often. And laughed. He wasn't in Pryors or Rocks class. But he was funny. He stood there....all alone....and tried to do what the very best comedians do -- find a funny connection that illustrates our common humanity. Pretty brave.

#6

I consider myself a teacher. I teach one American History class for 7th graders. I am so glad I do. I walk into that classroom, and whether staff comes to watch (which I encourage) it's just me and the kids. And I have to unlock, and probe, and motivate....and most times the frustration that occurs as I fail or succeed washes over me, and I know that this is why I do this. I will always be a teacher.
But I'm not ..... really. I'm an administrator largely. I multitask well. I try to lead my staff as best I can. I'm "hands on." I want to spend my time talking with kids. Figuring out how to make my community a true community. Not just of learners. But of people who care about each other. I said to a friend tonight that I could only see myself doing this for 5 more years. He responded maybe in 5 years you'll realize that you have 5 more years to give. I hope he's right. There's so much I want to try to accomplish and I'm impatient.
I worry about how successful I am. Not for myself or my ego. But because I realize how special an opportunity I've been given. This is not work.....it's my "work." As in a "calling." Look, I was successful at nothing I tried before this. But I took every experience, and every encounter, and put it into this. It's about the kids.

#5

I like being alone. I've been alone since '97. Not always happily. I have had a relationship here or there. But I've learned how to be alone. I'm not set in my ways. And I could very easily include someone. Wouldn't mind it actually. But being with someone isn't a requisite for my happiness. I'm ok alone. I know me pretty well. And that's the point of this entry....not to protest too much....but rather to just look at a reality. One has to be comfortable in one's own skin. I am. Especially if one considers blending with another. Before that one has to learn to be alone. To get comfortable with themselves. To learn to lead your own life. Initially, I couldn't do it. Fear overwhelmed me. I had always been with people. Family, marriage. I had real difficulty quieting the monkey noise in my brain when I found myself alone. It took awhile. It involved meditation. And breathing. But one gets the hang of it.

#4

I should have something to say. There are those who say I always have something to say. Curiously, I don't at the moment. I haven't all week. I've been doing what I do.....working hard, talking and listening to kids, laughing. My effort and energy at work are the same. I've tried to stay close to my daughters. I'm in a new relationship. But behind it all, I really don't have anything to say. I go through these "blah" periods occassionally. I've come to understand they don't mean much. Just something to get through. I used to lose my focus when in them, but for the last few years, I've just ridden them out. Known that they're part of me. Accepted them. But haven't lost focus.