thoughts

I never believe my own hype. "Founded a school." "Built a community." "A great teacher." "Endless patience." I never believe my own hype. It's pretty simple. In '04 I was given this wonderful opportunity. And I've treated it like something pretty important ever since. I just never fell for my own hype. It never went to my ego. It might have gone to other peoples....but mine remained fairly uncluttered. Why? Because I never thought I would even get this opportunity. I was older. I was happy teaching. I have this nonconformist streak. I run my mouth. But I love teaching. And have tremendous energy. And I understand what motivates people. And have ideas. About how schools should run. And be run.
It's a vision thing. It's not about the hype. I judge my school on two criteria. One, would I send my girls to my school? This year I would. Before this year, probably not. Two, have I put everyone associated with my school in a position to be better. I think I have. But I don't ever believe the hype.

Who I am....

I am a man in full. I'm flawed. I'm complex. I own who I am. I'm passionate.I smoke too much. Occassionally drink too much. My daughters are my life.I lost a marriage after 20 years. I lost a sister in '90. My business crashed in '88. I've been done and down. It's strengthened me. I don't hide. I'm a romantic. I found teaching in '90. It didn't save me. It did change me. I became a principal in '04. It's challenged me every day. My community is changing shape every day. Growing. Building. It's a good thing. I lost a relationship a while back. It shook me. I'm better now. I like me. I have a mix of talents.I've been dating more regularly. I don't have an end in sight. I know life is funny. I accept myself. I had breakfast with one daughter today. I've learned to let them teach me. My father died in '06. I don't see his face when I look in the mirror to shave every morning. I think that's good. I went to lunch with my other daughter yesterday. I've learned to let them teach me. I know who I am.

my job....part two

I've written a lot about my job. But what I haven't written about is my feelings about my job. About what it means to me to walk into that building each morning at 6:45a.m. About what it means to say "good morning" to kids as I open the door at 7:55 each morning. Today I was coming up from opening the school and ran into 4 or 5 kids eating breakfast sandwiches on the 2nd floor. Our school is on the 4th and 5th. "Mr. XXXXX, we just didn't want to disrespect the school and mess it up." "We'll throw everything out." I smiled. I guess I should have been stern and sent them on their way. But I just nodded and said, "make sure you are at morning assembly." They were surprised they weren't yelled at, and came to me later to tell me the went up and down and made sure the steps (5 floors) were clean. I love my kids. I worry about them. They know my door is always opened. They know I hold them accountable but give them plenty of lifelines. I've talked about leaving this job....but I won't. I get too much satisfaction from it. I know what life would be like without it. So when I enter the building, I embrace it. This is my world.

Torre....and my job...

I've been searching for a metaphor to describe what I do. And I've been kinda stumped. I deal with teachers, parents, students. All who want "just a minute." Then there's the "new" restructing. Filled with ARIS; GAINS reports; Intervention and Inquiry Teams; Attendance Plans: changes in the "Mandated Reporter." Professional Development ranks high. Mentors for new teachers. Building a community. Ending teacher isolation. And the 12 yr. old who was laughing on the way to 2nd period now crying uncontrollably before fourth. That's key. The kids. I simplify my job that way. It goes like this...."kids....teachers.....instruction.....learning.....assessments.....how do we know that kids are learning?" The rest is the rest. I learned early in this job that there's a human element. I don't run a factory. I can't use the business model. I can't say "it's not my problem." Why? Because I work with kids. And adults. People. Both of whom, I believe, want to succeed. So my job becomes how do I get them what they need to get them to that place. A teacher came up to me Friday as we were playing pool after school and said, "Thanks for hiring me three years ago." "I can't see myself working anywhere else." And I said, "you'll never work for another ..........like me." We laughed. We both knew it was true. I have definite ideas on how you build community and empower teachers.
And that's why Torre is the perfect metaphor for my job. Every morning for 12 Years Torre walked in the Yankee clubhouse. The Yankees (NYC D of E) the most storied franchise in baseball. The D of E just won the most prestigious award for educational achievement. He dealt with players (students). The front office (the D of E). The fans (parents). The game itself (test scores). The World Series (Progress Report, Report card). And he never flinched. I admire that. And him.
I was at a mtg. Friday. I came into my building late. My AP did a masterful job handling the day. And as we sat in my office, I asked her, "how was it being me today?" She looked up and smiled. "Not easy," she said.

What I don't care about....

How I'm perceived. People who think they invented the world. Anyone who feels they need to be the center. People who can't embrace the work. People who don't know when to be silent. Anyone who places self above kids. People who fret about "their" room. People who aren't proactive. People who think I'm harsh.Other than that, I'm fine......lol

what do i care about?

Interesting question. I'm often accused of being arrogant. And not caring for people's feelings. Friends...and this is friends....tell me I remind them of "House." Maybe they're right. I am arrogant at times. And I don't care how people take harsh news. I just don't wanna sugarcoat anything anymore. Time is short. I'm flawed.
So what do I care about? My daughters. They are amazing women. Full of heart and questions and strength. I'm different when I'm around them. My school. I started it. I've stayed up late at night thinking, figuring, trying to make it work. Keeping staff focused, realizing everyone looked to me for answers that I wasn't sure I possessed. So I faked it. My sister. She's one of the few who can whisper something and change my mind. My people at school. They are my nucleus. They've worked with me for a few years. They accept that it has to benefit kids. They know sometimes things get choppy. They shout back as infrequently as I shout at them.
If I had to do it again I wouldn't change a thing. Everything in my life has happened for a reason. Either as an opportunity to learn, or an opportunity to grow.It's the journey silly.

some distinctions...

First off, I'm complex. Secondly, I'm flawed. Third, I believe the universe assorts randomly. Fourth, I believe we're all interconnected. Fifth, I like to write. Six, I don't mind sharing what I'm going thru. Seventh, I may upset you. Eight, I don't really care. Ninth, I may or may not get a dog. Ten, I may or may not get involved in another relationship. Did you read #'s one and two? It's a blog people.....lighten up.If you think you know me just from reading this ....lol.....believe me, it goes a lot deeper. But, come join in one man's journey. At least as much as I'm willing to share.

footprints....

I never wanted the job I have. I loved being in the classroom. But I have to say, after 4 yrs. the job is growing on me. I did always want to leave footprints, to let people know I was here. I never knew how I would do it, but I knew I would. I now see that this job will let me do that. There won't ever be anybody else as the first >>>> of this school. That;s me. And that's why its so important to establish the right culture...the right ethic. It's not about ego....but it's also not about being invisible.It has to be about how do the kids benefit. If that becomes the mantra, then that's the footprint I'm ok with.

tats...

I have two tats.....one on my right bicep of the ying-yang, which expresses the duality about things that I've always felt. I've sometimes been plagued by the ability to see more than one side of things. I got that one in '97 when my marriage dissolved after 20 yrs. I added another about a year and a half ago when a relationship I was in went south. It the superman logo on my left forearm. Only to me it's a sign to stay strong. I see it everyday and that's what I think. Stay strong. My kids at school are amazed when they see the supe tat. "mr. ......, do you like superman?" "No," I smile. I'm gonna get a third. That'll be it. I want something to honor my 2 sisters and my daughters. They are the most important women in my life. I don't know what it'll be yet. But sometime soon I'll get it.

Relationships....part....hmmm..

I don't miss joined at the hip, have to see you every minute, why didn't you call me at lunch, you never call me the way you did, I want someone who wants to be with me, relationships. I have a somewhat busy life. School demands time. My daughters, even though they're grown figure in as well. Someone entering a relationship with me would have to accept being third. Sorry....yep. Tis true.And you'd have to get pass my daughters and my dog (and I don't own one yet but am buying soon). For my next relationship I want to work on the Kate Hepburn model. You have your place, I have mine, we get together to laugh, have dinner out, go to family events, hit a movie, talk about our day....but then you go to your place and I go to mine.I truly miss the intimacy...the holding someone deep into the night, the shared glances, the jokes that only we know....I miss all of that. I just wanna be home at my place the next morning.

honesty

I make a big deal about being honest with myself. I sometimes bandy it about like a self-righteous sword. So let me be honest....about smoking. I've smoked for 38 yrs. In all that time, I've quit for 9 days. My older sister, who I just posted about, died from lung cancer. I've had a heart attack. I was smoking a week later. Want honesty? I lost I relationship with someone because of smoking. Who gives up someone who for a cigarette? I did.
I'm not proud of any of this. Not in any way or form. But its the truth. I promised each of my daughters I would quit. When burying my sister, I made a silent promise to quit. I promised a women I was involved with I would. Through it all I reached for a cigarette. I've tried the patch. Hypnotism. Pills. Cold turkey.Acupuncture. Chantix.
Been there. Done that. Failed every time. I sat and watched my dad waste away to nothing because he couldn't put a cigarette down.
I have no excuses. But I do demand honesty. About myself. Hence, the post.

my sister...

My sister would have been 57 today. Unfortunately, she passed in '90. It's been a long time since that day in October. My day, today, was insanely busy. But she wasn't far from my thoughts. Inwardly, I smiled when I thought of her. I'm not a big fan of "getting over" things. I don't think we do. I think we learn how to "manage" things. And I think the trick is managing whatever it is to a good place within ourselves. But we have to be clear and honest with ourselves. No rationalizations. No excuses. No regrets. In a randomly assorting universe.
I don't have any about her. She taught me sooo much. How to dance with a girl. What the silence between my parents meant. She was my daughter's first nanny. My daughter adored her. When I should call a girl back. She was the one I trusted who could get me to rethink something. I remember one of the last times I saw her. Racked with pain. Injected with strange drugs. She came to visit. She was tiring easy then. My second daughter was a month old. She spent time with us. I talked with her a long time. We just sat on my porch in the fading August sun, and talked. She didn't have answers. I wasn't looking for any. We parted that day, and I knew. But there wasn't anything unresolved between us. She taught me how to dance. And in her final moments, she taught me how to live. Shortly after, she passed. Oct. 12th is gonna be tough.

And moments from now...

I never felt I needed anyone. Throughout all of these 50+ years, I had my own back. Through the various "mes" (as I grew and developed), I wanted to grow to be strong enough not to need anyone. I learned early I couldn't trust the emotional politics of my house. I wasn't adrift. I had my own back. Go on, hit me with it. It might take me years to figure out, but I would. And in the meantime, I kept going, keep thinking, kept wanting to grow. I did. I didn't always like myself, but I knew I was all I had. I learned to be nice to myself in spurts. Those spurts grow to cover longer and longer periods of time. Therapy helped. So did being on my own. My daughters helped. I could just be me when I interacted with them. I realized I did need them. When I had a tough career decision to make, about whether to get into teaching, I realized I needed input from someone. When my dad died, I realized I couldn't handle it alone. When my school opened, I knew it wasn't mine, and I needed help to do the work. What does it all mean? Beats me. I still see myself as the gunslinger Irishman, armed with wit and intelligence and ideas about the work. But I'm no longer alone. Other people have my back.

Moments from long ago...

I use to write poetry. A long long time ago. 35 some odd years ago. Many "mes" ago. I dimly remember those days. I was young. Invincible. The first time I got accepted to grad school (I was in three different programs before I did the Masters) was as a poet. Professors thought I had a "distinctly urban" voice. It's funny how you remember some things. I just remember I would stand at my shared bedroom (there were 4 of us in there for a while before I got moved to the living room couch) window with my pad and try to figure things out. Imitating Frank O'Hara, imagining I was Kerouac, I would write. Poems. One of them adorns the blog.
It's a little bit of a different me from many mes ago.

A Day in Sept.

I haven't really been focused on the blog. School has started and that's been huge. I don't really come up for air till November. The school year brings so many different opportunities and demands so much time that people involved with you just have to understand that one is gonna be preoccupied. Add to that my daughters who are so low maintenance but who I struggle to maintain ties with. So while I've been checking the blog, I really haven't thought about something to post to it. Probably it's a something that happens in a randomly assorting universe.

can you spell....

I have a birthday coming up this week. I don't place too much emphasis on them. When you hit half a hundred and then some, you've kind of adjusted to the idea. I feel the same way about New Years. Been there, seen that. But birthdays should be acknowledged in a kind of reflective way -- as a chance, if one doesn't do it already, to take stock. See if you're living the why and way you think you should. I think I am.
My daughters are amazing and a huge portion of my life. I listen to them and trust their instincts. They are women of substance and I'm kinda glad to be their dad. With everything else, most of which has happened to me after I turned fifty, I feel okay. I trust my instincts. There's someone out there I'll meet.
That's why I don't believe that people can't change. Yes, the universe assorts randomly. But everything good has really happened for me after I turned fifty. If I didn't believe and keep working, refining, striving, examining, I'd be in the same rut I was at 35. But I didn't give up, I believed. And kept working. Growing. And things changed.

the state of.....me

wow.....the title sounds important. Not. I love the start of a new school year. Vampire-like we rise in September and discover ten months to get it right. To do right, by kids. And I'm so close to establishing something special (with the help of some creative, dedicated people)....a week's vacation in Vegas and then Monday I get to start again. The work I enjoy. With people I enjoy.
But some words first. Yes, I would like to be involved with someone on a serious basis. The postings and comments about me not being ready, or unwilling to commit, reflect a certain ambivalence. But part of me wants to try a relationship. Because I feel I have something to offer and because I believe I can get it right. So yeah, I'm open to trying again. In a relationship.
Enough of that.
I can't wait to get started again at school. Megs looked at me today and said go back to work. I laughed. Yeah, its time.

Jumping outta my skin

This is one of those entries that I kinda get out of the way of and it writes itself. But I own it. See, I value words like integrity, honesty, loyalty, heart, and strength. Can't forget that last one. Because I'm about to write the metaphorical equivalent of ripping off a layer of skin. Why? You ask. Because I want to live my life honestly.
And because, much like the Kevin Bacon game of a few years ago (by the bye he has a website where he turns badges into donations....pretty cool) I believe that we are all interconnected. And that one person's experiences -- if he/she is honest enough to talk about them -- can help another person. But also, from a purely selfish perspective, I need to write about this. Doing so will help me move along in my personal journey.
So, what's the deal? Very simply, I blow up relationships. Have done it every time. Not really proud of it, but it's what I do. We get close, we say words, I cause mayhem and fighting and we part. That's the timeline of it. Why? Because I'm afraid to let someone get close to me. Oh, I mean everything I'm telling you, but ultimately I can't let you get close to me. Why? Another good question. Fear. You pick. Fear of ultimately being rejected. Fear of not measuring up. Fear that if I showed you who I was, you'd hate it. And I'm not that bad a guy. Pretty average actually. Just someone who goes to work, tries to be involved with his kids. Definitely not special.
I want to live my life honestly. I believe we're all interconnected. Hit me with your "go back to rehab/therapy" comments....call me a liar.....but as you read the words....they hit home somewhere.....and that's ok

in Vegas

I'm back in Vegas with my younger daughter visiting my sister. I love it here. The mountains, the strip, there's an energy here that I just connect with. And a beauty that reminds me of the west coast of Ireland. Kinda raw and untouched. And people who just get on with it. America has this amazing "Western" tradition that is just basic that I feel each time I'm here. I will be here eventually. And that's a good thing.

a word from our....

I'm gonna use this blog to write. You can read it. You can comment. You can like it. You can hate it. All of that isn't necessary. What's important is that I write. And the topics will be whatever. Again, u can read it. You can comment. You can like the topic. You can hate the topic. I couldn't care. I write. Deal with it.

nothing nature can throw at me...

Nature....and reality.....both bite. We had a huge storm here Tuesday. The garage flooded (glad I don't pay for that); the lobby was a mess; my apt. leaked like a running faucet.....but what it did is knock out the boiler. Ahem. Yeah. No fair. That meant showers in cold water, or none at all. I finally went, today, to my ex and showered there. It had been five days. I like the idea of hot water in apartments, I think it may catch on. Or maybe not.
On another front, I've had one date in the last year or so. That's ok. I've been busy at school and with my daughters. I know a relationship is out there for me. It'll find me. I trust and believe. Until it does I want to do my work and be a father. A woman who is out there working, and living, and struggling, and laughs, is going to meet me one day. And it'll be cool....I know it.

Nature...

I woke about three thirty this morning. And was part....from my kitchen window, of this incredible show nature put on. Nature is cool that way. It sorta goes...."forget me? I think not.....watch this..." And what a show. Torrential rains punctuated by lightening, thunder, sonic booms. I couldn't see the trees three hundred yards away. And about 7:30 nature snapped its fingers and went, "how was that? Do you get the full power and majesty yet? " I did, I did. But then reality....also wanting to be acknowledged, said, "remember, I bite." So while this show was being played out...my apartment started leaking. I have 5 windows....2 in the living room, 2 in the bedroom, 1 in the kitchen. All leaked. Rapidly. And reality said, "I see your not convinced," And started a few leaks in other places. But it was ok.....it was towels, and water, and the laundry when I got home. Not bad. The show was worth it.

here and there...

I haven't posted anything in a while. Mainly it's because I like to reflect on things and then write and I haven't really reflected on anything. It's been Harry (slowly.....to drag it out....my daughter laughs at me having finished the book a week ago so when I call her to express my outrage at Dobby being done in she laughs and says "it's gonna get better." The young are so smug.....lol) and summer school. Next week are the tests and we see who gets held over. It's never easy to tell a child that. Yeah, I know about accountability....but its a part of my job I don't enjoy.
On another note, its August and I haven't been to the beach yet. I have this whole routine....I like to pack something to read.....stop along the way for a sandwich....then find a spot a the furtherest point of the beach, plug in my IPOD, and just enjoy the sights and sounds. Someone told me at a recent gathering that they were disappointed that my tan was so deficient.....lol. I wanted to ask if they thought they were talking to George Hamilton. I never entered the CocoButterOpen.....lol. Hey...for having nothing to say......not bad.....I see why my staff winces when I approach a microphone.

Why I like Harry...

The seventh and final Harry Potter went on sale today (or midnight to be precise). Of course, at 9:00AM, before workout and walk, I was in B & N with a dozen other people purchasing it. My younger daughter was #400 on line last night getting her copy. Blew off a Goo Goo Dolls concert with her sister and I to do so. I understood. It was Harry. And she's at the center of this Potter story.
I got divorced about 10 years ago. She was 6. I went from seeing my kids every day to wondering how to fit into their lives. Phone calls, yeah. Weekly visits. I went from living with and raising them to having to have something to do on those weekly visits. It was strange. Before I was part of things and now I was ....a visitor. Or at least that was the feeling I wanted to avoid.
So as the years passed we haltingly figured out how to do this divorced father/daughter thing. And Harry was at the center of it. When I found out that she was "hooked" on the Potter books (right around when the 2nd came out) I decided to start reading them. And when those conversational dead spots appeared, we talked of Harry. And laughed. And argued. And puzzled over meaning, and listed reasons why Harry should/shouldn't date Hermione, or why Ron should. Now, my daughter and I had a language. And that language branched out to other things. Middle school fears. Her ability to write and my encouraging and nurturing that talent. Her own growing trust in who she was becoming. I am very lucky. She 's an amazing young woman.
Thanks, Harry.

almost to 50

I'm almost at fifty posts. Who knew I had anything to say? Most days I doubt I do. I'm very happy doing what I do. I sat with a good friend in a bar this afternoon, just talking about things, the changes I'm making. We laughed. I like caring for something and watching it grow. He's excited to get started and I thought that that's the quality I'm after. People who realize the importance of what we do and feel compelled to the work.
I like my job. I'm good at it. Let's get started.

a quiet Sunday

I never wanted to do what I'm doing. I was having too much much fun in the classroom. But I was convinced to, I guess, and did the coursework. In my first admin course we went around the room answering why we were undertaking the journey, and when they got to me....I said I didn't know. That I wasn't sure I should be here. But life happens and here I am. Three years into it actually. Off probation. Ready to begin my 4th year in a school I started. More surehanded than I was three years ago. Happier. Calmer. The ground more solid. More sure of my role in the work. But not satisfied. Never satisfied.

I'm silly enough to believe it's about the kids. That's where the focus should be. When people hear where my school is they either roll their eyes or wince. It used to surprise me but then you get use to it. But my kids are just kids. Yeah, some are dealing with issues that one wouldn't want a child to deal with, but they're kids. I'm surprised that people don't see the simplicity in that. They need adults who'll listen and model alternative ways to deal with things. My school tries to do that in addition to course work. My consultant gave up lunch to walk my wildest child, who liked to read, to get a library card. My dean spends countless hours talking to children. Kids get to school early and sit in my office as I do the schedule, just talking. I encourage that kids own their actions, but that their actions don't define the person they could be. We're a teaching and modeling school. Is the work noble? Yes. Are we noble? No. We're people with a calling. The kids matter.

We are not a teacher as "civil servant" school. I mock teachers who take that as their stance. It's inherently "anti-student." And philosophically unsupportable. You're there because the kids are there. Notice that? Kids = jobs. On a purely elementary level. On a greater level who looks at a 12 yr. old and says "it's not my problem?" What's the message? Who's problem is it? The kid who can't figure out an answer to begin with? But you came across as an adult with all the answers who won't share. Nice job there teach.

As Denis Miller used to say, "I could be wrong."

I'm many things. Sometimes arrogant. Basically compassionate. Always thinking. Not afraid. Open to second chances. A believer in hope. Aware of the possibilities of personal change. Someone attracted to laughter. A believer in hard work. Verbal. Willing to learn. Open to it. Energized by it. A dad.....boss....colleague. Able to poke fun at myself. Moody. Sometimes too set in my ways. Someone who looks in the mirror when things go wrong. And hands credit to everyone else when they go right. I understand my role. And there isn't a false bone in my body. But I don't always tell the truth. I live in a complex world. I navigate. You may view the world as black and white but my world contains a lot of gray. I like duality. I have flaws (lord do I). I want to understand the big picture.I'm not an innocent. Far from it. I'm an adult. But enough about me.

My dad used to sit at the table in the same place everyday. His "corner." At 11 or 12PM I would watch him take off his chain carrying the praying hands charm (an alcoholics prayer..."God grant me...") and a cross with Jesus' head in the middle. He kissed them and placed them in his corner. I would....sleeping in the living room....watch this ritual. I never asked about it. Never wanted to know. But somehow I knew it was important to him. In the morning he had his coffee and put the chain back on. Maybe I should have asked him. But one didn't ask my dad much. One was told. It provided a certain order to the universe. Besides I couldnt figure out how to use what I saw to piss him off. So this past fathers day my mom gave me the chain with the charms as a "fathers" day gift. She wants me to wear them. I dunno. I've been testdriving them but I'm not sure I feel quite comfortable. They were his. And his isn't me.

How do you remain unjaded? Unaffected by stereotypes. How do you remain hopeful? Open to change and growth? I think it comes down to what you're willing to accept. I struggle so much with this. How to maintain your beliefs in a randomly assorting universe.

I don't have the answer. Yet...

Summer

I've been thinking a lot about the blog since my last post. I've had about 3 blogs before this one. Doesn't much matter. I like this blog. I liked the others as well. I've decided that I want to continue blogging .....but under my terms. Which means that I write about whatever occurs to me. If you have a problem with that, if you don't like the blog, if you don't like what I'm writing, that all isn't on me. Understand? Do what you need too, the people who need to know.........know. I'm not an innocent.
I work hard to appear natural. It isn't an act. It's me doing what I need to. There's a larger, or greater, good at play here. Namely a school community that I've been building. Slowly. We're about to enter year 4. I have plans. The pieces come together slowly. The work is hard. But at its core, it's simple, namely, how do the kids benefit?
I've been talking with my older daughter. It got around to how long I would do this job. During the year I felt maybe a year or three. And I do want to relocate to Vegas. But my daughter, in conversation, said "you can go 5 Dad." And I agreed. I can. I have people I want to get in place. It'll take time.
I have that.

year 3 done

we finished our third year today. which filled me with a mix of happiness and sadness. individually there are kids who I looked forward to seeing everyday. collectively, they were a tough group. it's one of the things i love about teaching. the recycling. making a difference. starting anew. you go for ten months, get involved, talk, implore, coax, believe, model. then it's summer and you get to go to the beach, work summer school, reflect, plan, hire, reflect, sit comfortably with friends and laugh, and in september, another chance to get it right. within ten months. I'm confident about my odds.
I don't break my life into public and private areas. There's just my life. It's a big picture moment. I live it.....examine it.....question myself....and move on...I don't have answers all the time.....I do fnd the answers.......don't depend on me for them....but I'll be honest,....and hold myself accountable. It works for me.

Random Thoughts...

Father's Day just passed. My daughters came by. We ate at a new Japanese restaurant. If you've been reading the blog you know how I feel about them. They're special. My sister sent me this amazing card for father's day. I have a lot of memories of my dad. Mostly bad. We were sort of like oil and water. It was my goal when I was a teenager to piss him off as much as possible. I was pretty successful at it. It was a policy I continued into adulthood. I know why. The last six months of his life I sat at his bedside. I wasn't embarrassed. He slept. We talked. Gradually we came to know eachother. It didn't make us friends. It made us friendly. For 37 years my dad woke every morning and as the monkey noises in his head grew to a crescendo.....said no. He was an alcoholic who didn't drink for 37 years. How amazing is that?
I'm a chronic smoker. Have been all my life. Cost me my best relationship. I've been through 2 types of pills to quit, had acupuncture, worn the patch, been hypnotized....gone cold turkey......basically done everything.....and .......failed each and every time.. But yet my dad succeeded. He dealt with his major demon....and survived.....and won. I can't say that. So maybe he knew something I didn't. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day this upcoming weekend. I'm somewhat conflicted. My dad died a year ago. We weren't close. Well, lemme explain. He had a long illness. I visited everyday. Sometime we sat. Sometimes we talked. I talked freely with him. He responded in a way with which I wasn't familiar. But I went every day. We got closer. And then he died. It was a period of my life in which I wasn't making good decisions.I'm not proud of the me I was then.....but it was me.....I own what I did...and move on....
To reflect on my own daughters and being a dad.
They are the finest moments of my life. My girls. Each are someone I listen too. Both are amazingly smart, strong women. Both were there the night I was made assistant principal. I wanted to shine in their eyes. My older daughter and I have long discussions on public policy, etc. My younger daugther and I go to the mall and make fun of people. And laugh. They both fill my soul in ways they dont know but that I have to tell them. I do.
I learned how to be a dad from my dad. I remembered everything he did when I was growing up. And then did the opposite. Pretty simple formula. Luckily it worked. I told him that on a day we talked. He laughed. At least I was good for something he say. Then he told me what a good dad I was..
I am. I work at it everyday.

Words, part 2

Relationship. I don't think I'll have another. Not for any real specific reason. I just don't do them well. I'm not looking. Ain't interested. Because I know what they take. Emotionally, mentally. I'm no longer prepared to invest myself in one.

Honesty. I like this word. Along with loyalty its one of my favorites. At a certain point, I decided that I wanted to live according to a certain moral and ethical code. Honesty is part of that.

Although I gotta say the code doesn't always work. I'm human. And my new favorite word, flawed. As in not perfect. I don't live for anyone else. Not my daughters. Not my father's memory. Nor my sister's.

I live for me. I schlepp through my day. I talk with teachers. Talk with students. About what's right and how kids learn. And then one or both of my daughters will chime in. And there's paperwork. And questions about what to make for diner. Mundane. But in all those moments, I take a little something away for the next day. Might just be a smile. Maybe a teacher finally realizes something. Maybe I realize something.

And the new day brings a new opportunity. To get it right.

Words....

I like words like honor. It's an important word. I've tried to live my life by it. It has become part of my code. We decide how, and by what, we want to live our life. To live a life guided by the concept of honor strikes notes within me. Loyalty is another important word. I am intensely loyal -- almost to a fault. It's another code word. When it comes to a question of loyalty I know how I will pick. There are people you jump into the foxhole with....who you go down with......who you take a bullet for (metaphorically of course....lol) people who have to be caught with the videotape before you change your mind. And there are peopl e who get what you're doing.....who are part of your "team." It's important to know the difference,

heresy...

this is my 40th entry on this blog. if you count my other blogs I'm up over 100. I know it. I'm not a natural at what I do. I have to work thru things, convince people to support what we're doing, keep kids in classes, always try to build , bridge, change, expand. People think I roll out of bed, show up, and it works. Yeah, it works, but the hours spent getting it to work aren't seen.
This isn't to plea, or to rail about my job. I love my job. I wanna do it three more years. Then I'm off to Vegas. I wanna spend time with my sister. But what I've noticed about my job is that I can't change the culture until I get people in place who support the culture I want. That's the heresy I've learned. To change a culture, you need to change the people. Senge and everyone else claims you can just change the culture. You can't. I know that now.

the natural

People call me a "natural." Claim that what I do just "happens." That I just "know" how to handle things. That I look like it just flows. That I don't have to work.That I can just appear, and I'll be fine. But "people" would be wrong. I'm a long way from natural. I work hard to appear natural. But underneath it all, I'm not a natural. I work really hard. When I first started teaching I would spend three hours a night writing scripts for myself. Every speech I've ever given -- my sisters wedding, my fathers funeral -- I worked and practiced. Does that make me less honest? I don;t think so. I'm just not a natural. And never claimed to be. Other people have. Their perception. I know myself. But it's fun to watch. Because then comes the claim that I can manipulate situations. I don't pose, I have a job that demands............skills. I have them.

monday....

I started a middle school three years ago. I was given a half year to plan for it, but it would open in '04 ready or not. I had to hire staff, secure furniture, institute procedures. Etc. Etc. Etc. In a system of 1.2 million kids, 1199 schools, 80,000 plus teachers, 6, 000 plus administrators, I had to "open" a school. I spent many a questioning night. I still do. My school wasn't a pre-existing situation that I stepped into. It didn't have a "culture". A way of doing business. A way to look at kids and learning. All that had to be developed. And I was asked to develop it. And I think we're getting there.

I am immensely proud of my school. And it is mine.

But I am also humbled. Because I don't do it alone. I've learned that I just have to let some things be. I sell. A vision. Of how kids should be treated. And educated. And respected. I'm harsh with people/staff who don't buy in. But I know that it's a reality I have to accept and do. No excuses. We're about the kids.

I knew this school would demand a certain type of leadership. My role in a larger, pre-existing school would be different. You can't run both the same. I wouldnt attempt too. I don't want another school. This is my school. I want to retire from it. And then come back and visit. If the then principal would let me. If not, no biggie.

I don't need this school for my ego. My ego is fine. I need this school to succeed for the 300 amazing kids who come most every day.

Ladies and gents......lean in......it's about the kids.

August...

I made vacation plans today. I'm glad we settled the contract issues. I'm off to Ireland then home for a day or so and off to Vegas with my youngers daughter. Two weeks. I'm going to Ireland by myself...gonna hang mostly in Dublin, maybe go down to Kinsale. No driving. I'll take buses and rails. Vegas will be cool. I'm getting familiar with it. My sister is so gracious. I wanna hit red rocks again. The buffet at the Wynn. It's the energy of Vegas. And the chance to just hang out with my sister. Ireland is different. That goes to who I am. Vegas goes to where I wanna be. I wanna be able to drop by my sisters on a Tuesday and get thrown out just before dinner.....knowing I'll see her on the weekend. I wanna take Storm to the dog park. It's gonna be fun.

today...

I got to work, as I usually do, at about 6:45. I did what I usually do....check email....the daily schedule. Sometimes I can feel what the day is gonna be like but today wasn't one of those days. And at about 7:20 ***** , a student, walked into my office. Ten minutes later, ***** also a student, walked in. And we talked of summer plans....how they will visit family in other parts of the country, sports stars they didn't know, rappers they did (Tupac & Will Smith were prominent). It was the best part of my day. I love when kids come in and feel so comfortable that they can just talk. I don't have to be Mr. ***, I can just be me. An adult whose been through some stuff, who wants the best for you, but who's gonna be holding you to things.

I don't mind being Mr. ******. It goes with the territory. But it's nice to step outside of it from time to time. I was with a friend after work, and he asked what I was doing this weekend ( we call them "mini-vacations") and I said I was stepping out of the Mr. ^^^^ suit. He laughed. But understood. Don't misunderstand, I like what I do. I'm in the right place at the right time. I have three years. Then I take off the Mr. ^^^^ suit for good and move on. But not with regrets. With smiles. I have no regrets.

I wanna move to Vegas in three years. My sister is there already. I want us to be in the same area. For awhile, I thought I wanted to relocate to Ireland. But Vegas is where I want to be. I wanna write, consult, teach some. I wanna put the Mr ^^^^ suit in the closet. I'm happy with who I am.

Perfect moments....

I've had three or four blogs. Yes, stories unto themselves. I've been advised by people I trust not to blog at all. But I'm stubborn. I think there's real value in a blog. I've always worked things out by writing, and a blog seems to be a natural extension of that. Plus, I think we're part of a shared humanity and blogging can make an inroad into us realizing that we're all connected. So the whole Iago should I or shouldn't I blog was worked out for me a while ago. Why I've had three or four blogs would be a separate entry.
My life, at the moment, revolves around school, and my daughters. And my younger daughter gave me a thrill today. We often wonder how our kids feel about us. As parents. As people. Ok, maybe only I wonder. And we stockpile those "perfect moments." My daughters have gven me many. Whether it's a call, out of the blue, from my older daughter telling me how she did on something. Or today, my younger daughter sharing SAT news. As a dad, it just makes me smile inside.

today...

I like my blog.....I've had three or four. My sister has jazzed up the space. I've respected someone else's wishes and am not commenting on a three year period of my life. People are entitled to their privacy and one needs to move on. It's all good.

I don't really have much to say. I'm very busy at school. Scores are in. I'm making plans for next year. 8 kids won't be at graduation. or the prom. and if I hadn't alerted them throughout the year I'd feel bad.......but honestly....i did....and they didn't ......and i don't. Reality bites.

a teacher told me I was machiavellian today. Maybe they're right. i'm trying to build a community. we're three years into it. i know where I want to be. but i do, willingly, move the pieces around the chessboard. I have no choice. it's my job.

call me what you want.

Being tagged...

My sister, possessor of much wisdom, has chosen to "tag" me. Why I know not, unless she's taking pity on me cause so few read and comment on my blog.... I'm supposed to list 8 habits/random aspects about myself. Ok....I'll tell you what else I'm supposed to do at the end of the list.
(1) I still miss her.
(2) My daughters are more important to me than they know.
(3) I go to school happy each morning.
(4) My sister is my confidante.
(5) I'm tough to deal with at times.
(6) I still miss her.
(7) I don't fear much at all.
(8) I know my failures. And have accepted them. And have moved on.

Ok....I'm now supposed to tag other people. But I haven't read enough blogs to tag anyone. Hope it's ok...

Illusions

I have precious few illusions about myself. I may not always tell the truth (yeah I am gonna quit smoking....soon.....).....but trust me......or don't.......I've been, and am, honest with myself. Since '97 I don't delude myself. Especially not about why I do what I do. I want to understand myself. That demands honesty. I like to joke that I'm not easy -- that I'm advanced relationship material........and that's the truth. If you want a relationship with me you better bring all that you are.....you're gonna need it. But I don't think you want one. Not with me. There are other, more politically correct choices, out there. Actually, I'm not intentionally difficult. It just kinda works out that way. Actually I'm not good relationship material. There are better, easier, choices. Men who will make you happier beyond your dreams. And that's what you want, isn't it?? I ain't one of those choices. I test. I'm flawed. Not necessarily anything I'm proud of....but there are better men, more relationship ready, men, then me. I have these flaws.
Why do I write this? Cause it's true. I've only had one relationship that came closest to "working." I don't anticipate being in another relationship. And those of you sitting there going "yeah, right." You aren't. This isn't a plea for a relationship. It's just me writing. If a relationship happens (i'll be amazed) i won't walk away....but i'm really just trying to understand....me....flaws and all.

tonight

I plan to move to Vegas in 3 years. I'll have been in my job for 6 yrs. by then. My daughter will be in college. The other will be out of law school. It'll be time. I'll write....teach a bit. Consult. The other piece holding me from Vegas is my mom. Obviously I cant leave until her situation is resolved. And it's not as cold blooded as its sounding. I just have a few items holding me here. I really want to be in Vegas. I've been in a relationship for 24 out of the last 30 yrs. All good , strong women. All relationships that failed. I don't do relauonships well. It's a character flaw. The hard part has been knowing that I'm an okay person as these relationships have crashed around me. I survive. So do they.
I bought "rescue me" season 2 today. I'm watching it now. the denis leary character is flawed. I love the show.

In the moment...

I left work early yesterday. Usually you have to jaws of life to get me out of there. But I felt terrible. I went to the doctor today and I have three distinct infections. Chest, eye, and sinus. I'm not a big take a pill for it but I now have sprays, etc. up the wazoo. And I still feel like shit. I watched my sister become a guinea (?) pig for Sloan with metaports in her neck and experimental drugs and nothing worked. It kinda jaundiced me on doctors. My daughter had to argue with me to go to the hospital when I had the stent put in.
I don't like doctors. For most of my life I've had more energy than anyone. Knock me down. I got back up. Emotionally. Personally. Job-wise. As Bono sang....."there;s nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." Or, "I'm not broken but you can see the cracks." And that's okay. I do have cracks. I'm flawed. But I don't scare. And that's how I look at doctors. I don't put off my health but I don't run scared.
Lately though, that energy has waned. I don't know why. But it has. My kids, both personally and at school. can pump me up. I try to be with them as much as possible. It's why I do lunch duty, and loiter in the hallways.....they need to see me and I need to see them.
I'm just curious about the energy.

thoughts...

I am a huge fan of the Highlander (only the TV series the movies suck) and Extreme Home Makeover. I don't answer my phone on Sunday nights from 8 to 9PM. Extreme Home Makeover is about families, single dads, single moms who get caught in situations they don't create but have to deal with. And that's the part that strikes me. As much as we talk about choice, and ownership of decisions, and being adult, sometimes the universe just assorts randomly and tramples all over our choice. Im not excusing anything. I understand about personal responsiility. I just know that sometimes our best intentions aren't enough. Stuff happens. And then Extreme Home Makeover supplies ..... hope. And let's us know that yeah, we are all connected and it's kinda nice to be...human. The Highlander is different. I value words like honor, and loyalty. I haven't always been able to live up to them. But it's never stopped me from trying. I believe one must have a moral code. Part of that code involves loyalty. And honor. And responsibility. And choice. All are reflected in the HighlanderTV show. When it was on in nyc I used to watch it twice a day. Duncan was flawed. Much like the Denis Leary character is flawed.
Much like me.

a beautiful Saturday..

It is beautiful here today. I ran some errands this AM, talked to my sister, did a 4.5 mile walk. The weather is just so gorgeous and energizing. I haven't been writing any single themed entries lately. It's been more of a "notes" situation. I don't know why. Nothings wrong. I just don't have much to say..and the universe assorts randomly...

this and that

I need to get back to Ireland. I can't put it into words....I don't have anyone I want to take....I'd go alone....It's just this voice that keeps resonanting.....whispering.....I wanna tramp around Dublin...go to the peninsula and Kinsale...this summer...there's a full moon tonight......so bright.....I'm also going back to Vegas....spend time with my sister...the other big part of my life is school.....My job came with probation...I come off it this July 1st...three years...I still remember the first phone call I made when I learned I got the job....I have some initiatives I'm moving forward...we're not quite there....I think what I've learned is to be less forgiving in a sense....I need people who are willing to work in the field every day...so I pull the plug quicker.....hold people more accountable....it is what it is....

It's ok not to know...

I bought a claddagh ring when I was in Ireland last April. Then I bought an Indian quartz(??) ring when I was at Red Rocks (vegas) in July. Red Rock is one of the most singularly beautiful places I've seen. My sister says she goes there on the anniversary of my other sisters passing and just reads and talks to her. When she told me I thought, "how lucky." But the rings. I don't know why I bought them. I'm not a ring person. I'm a bracelet person. I wear all types. Beaded. Silver. Thread. Weaved. Yellow (livestrong). 2 or 3 at a time. I don't know why. Some have meaning. Some I won't wear again. Some had meaning but no longer do. Some I won't take off. In fact, I'm looking for another. To celebrate the contract we just got. As for the rings, I wear the one I got at Red Rocks more. Better memories.

this and that.....in a universe that assorts randomly

Today was a slow saturday. Errands, cleaning the apartment. I am a swiffer addict. I meant to go for a walk but never got there. Never got to the beach either. Ah well. I did begin setting up vacation plans. August should be busy.
I'm gonna take a week of Fridays throughout the summer....then visit my sister in Vegas with one or both of my girls for a week....and then hit Ireland. Alone. I found a website devoted to Irish baseball today which was kinda neat. I want to spend a week in and around Dublin. Having been there last year I kinda can't wait to get back.
I have to go out for a bit but I want to be home for Denis Leary's series at midnight. I like flawed characters struggling.
Like myself.

the universe may assort randomly...but sometimes that leaves me little to say...

It's not like I haven't posted lately. I have. It's just that the next morning I would wake up and delete it. I don't know why. The posts were honest....forthright.....and without guile...but something rang false with them. Or they didn't read right. Actually....it was getting kinda frustrating....I would write at night and delete in the morning. And this may sound self-indulgent but realize that hopefully it isn't.....I don't like just throwing some crap up on the posting board. Things are pretty good here.....my school is going well...my daughters are good.....we have a contract....I'm starting to plan a trip to see my sister this summer with my daughter.....so why do I keep writing and deleting?? It's a funny universe....

The universe may assort randomly but I'm left with random thoughts

I'm advanced relationship work. I'm not easy. I'm complex. I don't fit into nice little boxes. I will infuriate one moment and endear the next. With little rhyme or reason. But I have a plan....always I have a plan. And I may, or may not,let you in on it. See? Infuriating. Why can't I just settle? Accept. Be this geniunely nice guy people tell me I am. I am by the way. Exist in a relationship. Something within me always seems to get in the way. My search. For what? Understanding? The need to test. A need to just not accept. Here's the key.....no one has been able to see this and just flow with it. If someone did I think I'd roll over and let you rub my belly....lol.......I miss my sister. She is so amazing. If she's gonna stay in Vegas I'm gonna have go out there for good eventually....we went through our quality review this week. It went well. I'm proud of my people. They have such heart for kids. And learning. My bottom line for my school is would I let my own kids attend it without rigging their schedule? I would. We have much work to do but with the new classrooms and the dedicated science lab I've been able to get and my staff's growth....we are so close to where I want to be......

In a randomly assorting universe some random thoughts..

I've been battling this Noreaster all day as my front window resembles a faucet stuck on open. Against a backdrop of the NBA. I'm fast losing my grip on pro sports. It isn't that the players don't appear to care....but rather that I'm losing interest. As I said earlier this is a "this and that" column. I try to live ethically and morally -- as I think many of us do....so there's nothing special there. I'm also a Virgo which means simply, that I don't really need you to correct me since I've already done it myself but you can join the chorus if you want. I want to relocate to Vegas in three years. But not as an administrator. As a teacher. My sister is there already and I love the Red Rocks area and the area in general. We'll see. I've tried to teach a class this year but my job keeps getting in the way. I miss teaching. So much laugher. I like what I do.....but

Relationships...

Hmmm.....I don't believe the hype. Of relationships. Everything is always terrific that first year as everyone is on their best behavior. Then things start to factor in, and you've seen good moods and bad, and the reality starts to set in. Do I want to be here for the next 20 years with....him.....her??? And you begin to prepare exit speeches. But there's this tiny little part of you....that you've kept hidden from everyone, even if you're married, and within that tiny little space a voice goes..."you messed up." "This was your chance." "You broke through and established something here." "Please don't mess it up." "Again." But the split happens anyway. And the voice happens anyway. And you are left, like the person who arrives at the bus stop out of breath and as the bus doors close in your face, on an empty street. That's when you learn what type of person you are. When you know deep in your heart that you blew it and there's these pieces of you scattered all over the floor that you have to pick up. It's only happened to me once, with my marriage. But it was enough to caution me not to fall for the hype. Of relationships.

School and things and being tense

There are times when I guess I should be tense and I'm not. For instance, one of my daughters is kinda sick and they want to do this "miracle" drug. And even though everyone is assuring me it's the right path this is my baby. Or that at school we have our Quality Review next week and have been stressing and getting ready. Or that I haven't done my taxes yet. And none of it is really stressing me. It's like the U2 song, "there's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." I know that at 7:55AM I'm going to open my school's door....and greet every kid that comes in. And smile. And that's me. The real me. Shaking hands....smiling good morning....banging fists. The secret of teaching is that kids renew you. Simple as that. If you're a teacher and you don't have compassion for your kids, don't believe that change is possible you're a civil servant into it for the vacation time. Yep, it's that simple. Teaching is a big tent. But teachers without heart and compassion and believe in the possibility of change aren't teachers. Sorry, you can't work for me. And my job is to take every wacko kids moment, every teachers flat tire, every request for paperwork, every budgeting moment, every explosion, every frustrating moment, and give it sanity. "there's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard."

#16

I said earlier I have a simple life. I do. It's pretty uncomplicated. My girls, work, family, friends. But what doesn't come across sometimes when I write or talk about it is that it is, and continues to be, a good life. One that I enjoy and look forward too. My work is simply amazing stuff. Also the stuff of headaches some days, but never do I wake up and not want to go to work. I lead a team that is creating something educationally that we all believe in and are proud to be a part of. My girls are simply the most amazing people. I try to remember to tell them that often. But it's a life. Often unpredictable. With its share of bad decisions and bruises. And loss. But its mine....and that's kinda okay.

#15

My life is pretty simple. My daughters, my job, some friends. I don't date or have a "significant" other. Nor do I want one. Choice. Been there, done that. Have a tee shirt commemorating the hype. I think there are some of us who are "relationship" people. Some couples are so seamless and appear to be in sync. lol...I don't know why. The logic of it eludes me. I am not be one of them. I was asked to leave after 20 years. Spent the night in my car alongside the BQE. And this isn't some "poor me" lament. I'm hard in a relationship.
One of my daughters is kinda sick. It weighs on you. I have two daughters. They are absolutely the best thing in my life. I depend on them and am so involved with them. If there's something I've done right, it's them. And my job is pretty cool too. I'm developing a school. A middle school. The work is endless. But I'm good at it.

#14

This time last year I was coming home from Ireland. My attraction for U2 nonwithstanding, I had always wanted to visit. The week was spent driving from bed and breakfast to bed and breakfast seeing the sights. Keilmore Abbey (spelling ??), Cliffs of Mohr, Galway, Bunratty, Dublin. An amazing week. I felt like I was home and want to go back as soon as I can. The last bed and breakfast was a horse farm that I stayed at in Dublin. So beautiful. I want to go back ....share the beauty, talk about inner moments, visit the peninsula I missed, spend time in Dublin, find someone who knows of Lunasa.

#13

I write out of a need to communicate. Definitely not out of a need to rationalize away actions taken, or make myself likeable, or re-write the truth. I believe we're connected, and that I can learn from someone as easily as they can learn from reading my blog. I can be wrong (and frequently am some would say). But I am willing to challenge myself. I worry not a whit about what anyone reading this might think. That's on you. My part is to get it right. And I realize that truth is relative. There's your truth, my truth, and the truth. I'm okay with my part in that equation. I'm a big boy, I can take my lumps.
I named this blog after Martin Luther. Not Martin Luther King Jr. -- although I admire each man. But Martin Luther, the 16th century German cleric who posted some complaints (95 theses, nepostism, indulgences, the moral weakness of the Church) about the Catholic Church to a church door and effectively shattered religious unity in Europe. I'm always admired personal bravery.Think of it. All of Europe catholic, effectively no other religion practiced, and this cleric wakes up one morning and goes...."ok...today's the day".....and effectively ends religious unity in Europe. For a personal belief. Who says one man doesn't matter. Not me. So NotesTackedToAWall kinda draws inspiration from, and honors that.
Deal with it.

#12

This space is my little Hyde Park Soapbox. I've been blogging for a while under different alias', etc. I like and believe in this way of communicating. I think I have something -- based on my life experiences -- to contribute to the mix. It isn't ego talking. I think, despite all the things that make the world technologically "smaller," we're actually more distant from eachother. And blogging represents an attempt at bridging our shared humanity. We are interconnected. So I will write about some searingly, and not so searingly, life experiences. And right about now, you're sitting there going "this guys ego is out of control" -- but it isn't. I'm not unique -- that's my point. But I am willing to share my outlook on certain things that are happening. Close your eyes....you're in London's Hyde Park on a Sunday morning. Individuals are speaking...ranting. Why? I don't presume to know. But maybe it's our humanity needing to connect. That's the point of this. Write, read, share. Or don't.

#11

You'll notice some new additions to the room. I didn't add them. Technologically, I'm a donut...lol. My sister -- bless her heart -- spent some time in an effort to "jazz" the place up. I thank her. I wanted to add Bono's "one" organization because I believe in the cause and admire the work he's doing. Crazy knighted Irishman. Can't call him "sir" but can call him "your demigodness." Priceless. I was looking at my daughter's Ireland pics earlier and she took a photo of a sign that read, "god invented alcohol to keep the Irish from ruling the world." Made me chuckle....well....okay....laugh. We are pretty special. Anyway, more on the blog....Superman and Batman were easy choices. Each represents something seminal about our American consciousness. The reason for the ribbon for our troops and the 9/11 memorial are obvious. Seminal events that shape our world. I can still remember that day as clear as any. Being so glad that I got thru to one of the girls. Devising a plan to handle 600 parents that came to get their kids from the school I was at that day. So, I like the redecorated blog. It's my little Hyde Park soapbox to talk about what I want to in a universe that assorts randomly.

#10......the randomly assorting universe

I believe in a randomly assorting universe. Fervently. At bottom, that means we are faced with many timelines...a chance for our lifelines to go countless ways....and the choice we make determines which timeline is followed. But the universe assorts randomly. And we have a personal responsibility for those choices we make. It isn't our parents fault.....it isn't how we were raised -- what we got or didn't get...it isn't who did something to us....it is us. Our choices. Many possibilities. Timelines. Roll that around your tongue in a universe that assorts randomly based on our choices. We accept responsibility for our choices in a universe that assorts randomly. I hope. I try to. I've been bothered by shadows and ghosts recently. Doesn't change the responsibility for the choices -- just changes the timeline...and interestingly enough....I chose a different timeline...sometimes you just follow your gut and....while it expands (lol) ,,,,you chose the right timeline (teaching)...at that moment.

another Sunday...Part 2

I don't believe in surrendering. I don't believe in asking less of myself than I have to give. I don't believe in not examing myself. I don't believe in not having standards. To borrow a U2 line I don't believe there's anything you can throw at me that I haven't dealt with. What, married for 20 yrs. to your best friend and then be asked to leave? I can handle that. Change careers at 36? Yeah....no problem. Have my sister die at 40? Yeah....won't be a day that goes by that I don't think of her....but I'll survive. I'm not broken but you can see the cracks. But I know it matters. I love what I do. I'm good at it. It's mine. I'm not living in some attic or basement. I'm living my life....right now.

Another....Sunday

I was asked, roughly three years ago, to start a middle school. A public middle school. I believe I was just in the right place at the right time. I hadn't been in education too long. I had done a variety of things within the building. I never considered being in a school "work." It was my work....my calling. Kids were central to that. And I got this wonderfull opportunity. And then the real education began. What was my vision? Who to hire who shared that? What type of leader was I ? Did I have a philosophy? And the grassroots questions....that appeared daily....that are too many to list here.....that grab at your attention and time.
I believe I took this job at the absolute right time in my life. I had failed at everything I'd done prior to it. In both relationships and business. I came with baggage. But .....and this isn't self indulgence....or ego....but I know what kind of chance I was being given. And I hoped I had created a solid professional approach and reputation. But I also understood that I had to take every experience....all my beliefs about kids and school and education....and I had to risk. It was "step up or step aside" time.
I chose to step up.

#9........an old friend...

An old friend visited today. I really wanted him to. He was part of the struggle of the first year. We're in our third. He provided a ton of support that first year. He claims I always knew what to do, he just pointed out certain things. To me, he was a source of Yoda-like information, someone who kept pushing me, often when I felt like I was failing, to keep honing the message, keep trying to refine things, keep trying to keep people on point. I've missed him and the honest exchange he brought. So I wanted him to visit. For me, it's step up or step aside time. I'm impatient that way.

#8

I couldn't sleep last night -- I know, you needed to know that -- and found myself in front of the TV. Denis Leary has a show on cable, "Rescue Me." Really a good show. Realistic. Gritty. Complex. Concerning a nyc firefighter post 9/11. On the show, Leary is the central figure. Divorced, possibly alcoholic (I only saw three espisodes). Lives across the street from his ex (ok, that's a stretch). Devoted to his kids. But what attracted me throughout the three episodes was the fact that his character is flawed. He has demons -- what he's seen (in one episode he's followed by people who've died in horrific circumstances); and experienced. He's haunted (literally) by his cousin, a firefighter who died in 9/11 and who he talks too. Flawed. It's what attracts me to shows like this, or "House." Ensemble casts true, but the central figures are flawed. The world they inhabit isn't black and white. Their characters lives can't be reduced to easily identified figures. No classic heroes. No clear rational lines. No pillars of virtue -- although at times they echo all of that. They are complex, made up of both sterling moments and moments not so sterling. Characters that aren't so easily defined or categorized. In one episode, Leary's character starts drinking again after 14 months. At one point he throws all his liquor in the trash. "I'm stopping the slide," he tells his cousin. Later in the episode he retrieves the liquor. Flawed. But they kind of mirror reality.
When I was younger I wanted, and believed I could make, the world black and white. Simple. It was pretty clear to me. But now, it isn't so black and white. I can't make up a list of pluses and minuses. I do...but I know that that's just part of the equation. Life isn't simple. We --people -- are both complex...and flawed.

#7

I love comics. Their use of language, their heart ... standing on stage.....alone. The connections they make. Denis Miller. Dennis Leary. Leno (before the Tonight Show when he was funny). Robin Willians. Chris Rock. Some comics are funny out of a nuerotic need....Eddie Murphy....that type doesn't do it for me. The best I probably ever saw was Pryor. Simply amazing in his ability to weave language with stereotypes that you recognized. The laughter wasn't AT some group the comic was singling out but rather at our common humanity. I could see myself in the people Miller, and Leary, and Pryor, and Rock were creating. But if they could use language.....make connections....I was willing to sit there. Richard Jeni committed suicide today. At least that's what the tickertape says. And that saddens me. I watched him often. And laughed. He wasn't in Pryors or Rocks class. But he was funny. He stood there....all alone....and tried to do what the very best comedians do -- find a funny connection that illustrates our common humanity. Pretty brave.

#6

I consider myself a teacher. I teach one American History class for 7th graders. I am so glad I do. I walk into that classroom, and whether staff comes to watch (which I encourage) it's just me and the kids. And I have to unlock, and probe, and motivate....and most times the frustration that occurs as I fail or succeed washes over me, and I know that this is why I do this. I will always be a teacher.
But I'm not ..... really. I'm an administrator largely. I multitask well. I try to lead my staff as best I can. I'm "hands on." I want to spend my time talking with kids. Figuring out how to make my community a true community. Not just of learners. But of people who care about each other. I said to a friend tonight that I could only see myself doing this for 5 more years. He responded maybe in 5 years you'll realize that you have 5 more years to give. I hope he's right. There's so much I want to try to accomplish and I'm impatient.
I worry about how successful I am. Not for myself or my ego. But because I realize how special an opportunity I've been given. This is not work.....it's my "work." As in a "calling." Look, I was successful at nothing I tried before this. But I took every experience, and every encounter, and put it into this. It's about the kids.

#5

I like being alone. I've been alone since '97. Not always happily. I have had a relationship here or there. But I've learned how to be alone. I'm not set in my ways. And I could very easily include someone. Wouldn't mind it actually. But being with someone isn't a requisite for my happiness. I'm ok alone. I know me pretty well. And that's the point of this entry....not to protest too much....but rather to just look at a reality. One has to be comfortable in one's own skin. I am. Especially if one considers blending with another. Before that one has to learn to be alone. To get comfortable with themselves. To learn to lead your own life. Initially, I couldn't do it. Fear overwhelmed me. I had always been with people. Family, marriage. I had real difficulty quieting the monkey noise in my brain when I found myself alone. It took awhile. It involved meditation. And breathing. But one gets the hang of it.

#4

I should have something to say. There are those who say I always have something to say. Curiously, I don't at the moment. I haven't all week. I've been doing what I do.....working hard, talking and listening to kids, laughing. My effort and energy at work are the same. I've tried to stay close to my daughters. I'm in a new relationship. But behind it all, I really don't have anything to say. I go through these "blah" periods occassionally. I've come to understand they don't mean much. Just something to get through. I used to lose my focus when in them, but for the last few years, I've just ridden them out. Known that they're part of me. Accepted them. But haven't lost focus.

#3

I went to see "Breach" last night. Not bad. It takes a rather faithful look at the Hansen spy case. Almost too faithful. There's no real drama. There's no real attempt to provide a picture of a man who pretended to be a devout Catholic, yet went to stripper bars, who professed great love for his country yet was it's greatest traitor, who claimed money was not important but carefully stored it in a cut - out in his floor. How did Hansen pull off his dual personality? That's what the movie never explains or attempts.
School starts again tomorrow. I'd like more time off....lol. I feel it in my bones....I have to restate our goals and expectations for both students and teachers. Everyone will be all chatty cause they haven't seen one another in a week, but we have to cut through that. I can sense the year drawing to a close. I know, it looks like a lot of time left, but there isn't.

#2

I want this blog to be about everything....kids....learning....trying to find one's way....a bunch of topics. I like to write. I tend to think I'm good at it. But. I don't know everything. In fact, there's much I don't know about many things. I'm no expert or "know it all" waiting to impart info. I'm an average guy. Making his way. Divorced. Failed at many things. But for me that's the charm of the blog. I only envisoned the blog as a place to work things out. Why not a diary? Because you can't comment in my diary. We are connected through a shared humanity. If you see something I'm going thru or can share something you went through....then we both benefit. This is my third or fourth blog. The others failed for a variety of reasons. But I do -- stubbornly -- think the format can work. We'll see.

#1

i am going to post.....repeatably...about family....kids.....teaching....life....relationships.....And you have every right to ask why....and i'd respond.....cause i can. Hello....its my blog.

a new room

I like this room. It feels comfortable. Good view of the TV from the barcolounger (??). A poker table right there. And U2 playing. Nice.