shadows

I used to be, repeat used to be jealous of people who I thought saw things strictly in black and white. Hell, when I was younger, I was one of those people. Back then, everything was pretty easy to discern. But as I got into life, and felt different things, and dealt with other things, and went through a period where I kept getting phiolosophically and emotionally whacked, I became less sure. And I grew envious and jealous of those people who could maintain seeing the world in black and white. Simply. Two colors.
It's sort of like wanting to be the best. Competitive. I was like that too. But then, it wasn't about being the best. It became about being the best me. And there was no need for simply two colors. My world could exist with many hues.....shades. It didn't mean that standards and ideals went out the window. No, it became simply my standards.
How?
I dunno. It did require some heavy lifting, Some willingness to look in corners. Some acceptance that it might not work. But mainly, some belief in self. Some trust of self. Some hard work at not believing that what others thought mattered.
It's easier now.

musings

I don't think of myself as a man who inspires more questions about myself than answers. But I've been told otherwise. I do talk a lot about many things which would lead you to think you know me but I tend to talk a little about the things I'm thinking about the hardest. I'm flawed and evolving.
I am sooooo looking forward to this trip West. Aside from seeing my sister and daughter it's just the chance to be out West again. I like the mountains, the people, and, of course, Red Rocks. Like the West Coast of Ireland (Dingle, Cliffs of Mohr, Galway) Red Rocks is just so damn magical and beautiful. One wonders at what combination of random events produced something so breathtaking. I like sitting in my sister's yard with a cup of coffee, Storm moseying around, and looking over the housetops at the mountains in the distance. A very quieting, internal feeling.
I just can't wait.

a promise

I believe certain things. They just seem to strike me as true after all I've been through and experienced. And I have a problem with blogging. To me, it makes no sense to blog unless one is honest. And that means being honest about everything. No editing. No censoring. It's not a popular position. I read other blogs. Often everyday. And that's question I'm always left with. How honest is this person?

So what do I believe? That I'm flawed. And often struggle between my public perception and my private perception. That I believe we are all interconnected. That I can learn from you and that writing about my own experience can help us both. That my writing is important. That your happiness -- in itself is important -- but not as a consequence of what I write.

That ego -- yours or mine -- matters little to me. That yes......I could go back into therapy......or keep a journal....but that I'd rather deal with being flawed.....in public......out there.....for all to see...again....we're interconnected.

So what does what I believe mean to what I write? Good question. I also don't believe in easy answers. I'm trying to capture in words (often imprecise as Spock mentioned) what it means to be a thinking, seeking to understand, rational person. And invite anyone who may stop here on this blog along for the ride.

Your choice.

thoughts...again

I do truly feel lucky. About going west, seeing U2, and getting back to Ireland this summer. But I'm also just flat-out tired. Of doing what I do. Of being me. Of listening to me say what I say. Daily. I guess I'm tired of hearing my own bullshit. I can't put it any simpler. There's a tendency with a blog to constantly stress the positive....to always want to put a positive spin on posts. That's nonsense. I get tired of being me every once in a while.And then a kid will say something.....or a person will touch me with their spirit of hope.....or I'll read something......or I'll cry at Extreme Home Makeover.....and I'll be .....ok.....and I can do the work some more.....and the words aren't hollow.....and I believe.....I never know if I'll come out the other side.....if I'll believe again.....if the work, and my personal sacrifice.....will make sense to me....I want to continue to make people dream.....to embolden people with the possible.....because I see where we as an individual and community.....can get to.....

thoughts

I'm pretty lucky. I was saying that to someone at work the other day. That I'm lucky and underneath that, that my life....despite its minor valleys....is pretty lucky. In a good sense. I have a pretty cool job that isn't a job but more like a "calling." I have tickets to U2 in September. With one of my daughters who's never seen them in concert (I've seen them 4 times). The stage will rotate 360 degrees. How cool? Really? I have a trip out to Nevada in a week to see my sister and daughter. I truly love the West and stop to think at least once a day how I can get there sooner than 2016. And I have a trip to Dublin in mid-August. Back to Ireland. My second visit. Day trips to here and there. Nights in the Temple Bar District. Ireland. Dublin.
Yeah.....pretty lucky.