the state of.....me

wow.....the title sounds important. Not. I love the start of a new school year. Vampire-like we rise in September and discover ten months to get it right. To do right, by kids. And I'm so close to establishing something special (with the help of some creative, dedicated people)....a week's vacation in Vegas and then Monday I get to start again. The work I enjoy. With people I enjoy.
But some words first. Yes, I would like to be involved with someone on a serious basis. The postings and comments about me not being ready, or unwilling to commit, reflect a certain ambivalence. But part of me wants to try a relationship. Because I feel I have something to offer and because I believe I can get it right. So yeah, I'm open to trying again. In a relationship.
Enough of that.
I can't wait to get started again at school. Megs looked at me today and said go back to work. I laughed. Yeah, its time.

Jumping outta my skin

This is one of those entries that I kinda get out of the way of and it writes itself. But I own it. See, I value words like integrity, honesty, loyalty, heart, and strength. Can't forget that last one. Because I'm about to write the metaphorical equivalent of ripping off a layer of skin. Why? You ask. Because I want to live my life honestly.
And because, much like the Kevin Bacon game of a few years ago (by the bye he has a website where he turns badges into donations....pretty cool) I believe that we are all interconnected. And that one person's experiences -- if he/she is honest enough to talk about them -- can help another person. But also, from a purely selfish perspective, I need to write about this. Doing so will help me move along in my personal journey.
So, what's the deal? Very simply, I blow up relationships. Have done it every time. Not really proud of it, but it's what I do. We get close, we say words, I cause mayhem and fighting and we part. That's the timeline of it. Why? Because I'm afraid to let someone get close to me. Oh, I mean everything I'm telling you, but ultimately I can't let you get close to me. Why? Another good question. Fear. You pick. Fear of ultimately being rejected. Fear of not measuring up. Fear that if I showed you who I was, you'd hate it. And I'm not that bad a guy. Pretty average actually. Just someone who goes to work, tries to be involved with his kids. Definitely not special.
I want to live my life honestly. I believe we're all interconnected. Hit me with your "go back to rehab/therapy" comments....call me a liar.....but as you read the words....they hit home somewhere.....and that's ok

in Vegas

I'm back in Vegas with my younger daughter visiting my sister. I love it here. The mountains, the strip, there's an energy here that I just connect with. And a beauty that reminds me of the west coast of Ireland. Kinda raw and untouched. And people who just get on with it. America has this amazing "Western" tradition that is just basic that I feel each time I'm here. I will be here eventually. And that's a good thing.

a word from our....

I'm gonna use this blog to write. You can read it. You can comment. You can like it. You can hate it. All of that isn't necessary. What's important is that I write. And the topics will be whatever. Again, u can read it. You can comment. You can like the topic. You can hate the topic. I couldn't care. I write. Deal with it.

nothing nature can throw at me...

Nature....and reality.....both bite. We had a huge storm here Tuesday. The garage flooded (glad I don't pay for that); the lobby was a mess; my apt. leaked like a running faucet.....but what it did is knock out the boiler. Ahem. Yeah. No fair. That meant showers in cold water, or none at all. I finally went, today, to my ex and showered there. It had been five days. I like the idea of hot water in apartments, I think it may catch on. Or maybe not.
On another front, I've had one date in the last year or so. That's ok. I've been busy at school and with my daughters. I know a relationship is out there for me. It'll find me. I trust and believe. Until it does I want to do my work and be a father. A woman who is out there working, and living, and struggling, and laughs, is going to meet me one day. And it'll be cool....I know it.

Nature...

I woke about three thirty this morning. And was part....from my kitchen window, of this incredible show nature put on. Nature is cool that way. It sorta goes...."forget me? I think not.....watch this..." And what a show. Torrential rains punctuated by lightening, thunder, sonic booms. I couldn't see the trees three hundred yards away. And about 7:30 nature snapped its fingers and went, "how was that? Do you get the full power and majesty yet? " I did, I did. But then reality....also wanting to be acknowledged, said, "remember, I bite." So while this show was being played out...my apartment started leaking. I have 5 windows....2 in the living room, 2 in the bedroom, 1 in the kitchen. All leaked. Rapidly. And reality said, "I see your not convinced," And started a few leaks in other places. But it was ok.....it was towels, and water, and the laundry when I got home. Not bad. The show was worth it.

here and there...

I haven't posted anything in a while. Mainly it's because I like to reflect on things and then write and I haven't really reflected on anything. It's been Harry (slowly.....to drag it out....my daughter laughs at me having finished the book a week ago so when I call her to express my outrage at Dobby being done in she laughs and says "it's gonna get better." The young are so smug.....lol) and summer school. Next week are the tests and we see who gets held over. It's never easy to tell a child that. Yeah, I know about accountability....but its a part of my job I don't enjoy.
On another note, its August and I haven't been to the beach yet. I have this whole routine....I like to pack something to read.....stop along the way for a sandwich....then find a spot a the furtherest point of the beach, plug in my IPOD, and just enjoy the sights and sounds. Someone told me at a recent gathering that they were disappointed that my tan was so deficient.....lol. I wanted to ask if they thought they were talking to George Hamilton. I never entered the CocoButterOpen.....lol. Hey...for having nothing to say......not bad.....I see why my staff winces when I approach a microphone.