And moments from now...

I never felt I needed anyone. Throughout all of these 50+ years, I had my own back. Through the various "mes" (as I grew and developed), I wanted to grow to be strong enough not to need anyone. I learned early I couldn't trust the emotional politics of my house. I wasn't adrift. I had my own back. Go on, hit me with it. It might take me years to figure out, but I would. And in the meantime, I kept going, keep thinking, kept wanting to grow. I did. I didn't always like myself, but I knew I was all I had. I learned to be nice to myself in spurts. Those spurts grow to cover longer and longer periods of time. Therapy helped. So did being on my own. My daughters helped. I could just be me when I interacted with them. I realized I did need them. When I had a tough career decision to make, about whether to get into teaching, I realized I needed input from someone. When my dad died, I realized I couldn't handle it alone. When my school opened, I knew it wasn't mine, and I needed help to do the work. What does it all mean? Beats me. I still see myself as the gunslinger Irishman, armed with wit and intelligence and ideas about the work. But I'm no longer alone. Other people have my back.