Illusions

I have precious few illusions about myself. I may not always tell the truth (yeah I am gonna quit smoking....soon.....).....but trust me......or don't.......I've been, and am, honest with myself. Since '97 I don't delude myself. Especially not about why I do what I do. I want to understand myself. That demands honesty. I like to joke that I'm not easy -- that I'm advanced relationship material........and that's the truth. If you want a relationship with me you better bring all that you are.....you're gonna need it. But I don't think you want one. Not with me. There are other, more politically correct choices, out there. Actually, I'm not intentionally difficult. It just kinda works out that way. Actually I'm not good relationship material. There are better, easier, choices. Men who will make you happier beyond your dreams. And that's what you want, isn't it?? I ain't one of those choices. I test. I'm flawed. Not necessarily anything I'm proud of....but there are better men, more relationship ready, men, then me. I have these flaws.
Why do I write this? Cause it's true. I've only had one relationship that came closest to "working." I don't anticipate being in another relationship. And those of you sitting there going "yeah, right." You aren't. This isn't a plea for a relationship. It's just me writing. If a relationship happens (i'll be amazed) i won't walk away....but i'm really just trying to understand....me....flaws and all.