Friday, July 6, 2007
I'm many things. Sometimes arrogant. Basically compassionate. Always thinking. Not afraid. Open to second chances. A believer in hope. Aware of the possibilities of personal change. Someone attracted to laughter. A believer in hard work. Verbal. Willing to learn. Open to it. Energized by it. A dad.....boss....colleague. Able to poke fun at myself. Moody. Sometimes too set in my ways. Someone who looks in the mirror when things go wrong. And hands credit to everyone else when they go right. I understand my role. And there isn't a false bone in my body. But I don't always tell the truth. I live in a complex world. I navigate. You may view the world as black and white but my world contains a lot of gray. I like duality. I have flaws (lord do I). I want to understand the big picture.I'm not an innocent. Far from it. I'm an adult. But enough about me.
My dad used to sit at the table in the same place everyday. His "corner." At 11 or 12PM I would watch him take off his chain carrying the praying hands charm (an alcoholics prayer..."God grant me...") and a cross with Jesus' head in the middle. He kissed them and placed them in his corner. I would....sleeping in the living room....watch this ritual. I never asked about it. Never wanted to know. But somehow I knew it was important to him. In the morning he had his coffee and put the chain back on. Maybe I should have asked him. But one didn't ask my dad much. One was told. It provided a certain order to the universe. Besides I couldnt figure out how to use what I saw to piss him off. So this past fathers day my mom gave me the chain with the charms as a "fathers" day gift. She wants me to wear them. I dunno. I've been testdriving them but I'm not sure I feel quite comfortable. They were his. And his isn't me.
How do you remain unjaded? Unaffected by stereotypes. How do you remain hopeful? Open to change and growth? I think it comes down to what you're willing to accept. I struggle so much with this. How to maintain your beliefs in a randomly assorting universe.
I don't have the answer. Yet...
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5 comments:
Wow...I remember seeing the chains on the table and once or twice saw his ritual and I never asked either....your right he told didn't discuss..that was dad. I don't think it's necessary to wear them but having them is good....oh and you forgot...a brother.
Hellllooooo
Just a thought... maybe when you are ready to accept those things about you that he accepted about himself you will feel at one with some of the major decisions he made in his life and be able to at least look at his jewelry and 'get it' hmmm dunno... just a thought.
RC
I don't know who RC is, but they have an axe to grind and not necessarily insight to relate. I think that you are very good at explaining your percieved deficiencies but should give more time to recognizing your positives and incorporating the knowledge of what you see as being around you into your personal identity, subsequently altering behavior because of it. Wallowing in negativity may feel good, even deserved, but if it doesn't make you see things in a better light, or alter your actions and thoughts so that such a vision becomes possible, why have them unless masochism is the desired result. You are a good man, albeit flawed, as we all are; just don't let your learning and expression hold you back...it should serve as a catapult. from a bathroom smoker...
hi.....I think both rc and anonymous comments are off the mark -- made me go back and read the posting....and yeah they are....but tis okay...I know what I wrote...
hey...meant no offense, just want to see you talk up your positives and lay off the negatives a bit more...you should be proud and happy while being open to self-criticism and thoughtful about your faults. You're a good guy...remember that--from the smoker :)
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