today...

People ask me how personal I want to make this blog. I don't care. I'll write about anything. Someone reading it may be going through a similar thing. Someone happening on it for the first time may be overwhelmed and think it's too intense or too personal. I don't take those things into account. I just want to write. I can't control what you think when you come across it. I just put it out there.
I don't cry. But I am emotional. Finding my sister on my stoop cause her marriage ended didn't bring tears to my eyes. I wanted to drive her cool car. Then we could talk. And we did. Calling my sister when my marriage ended and moving onto her couch and not having to pay a bill for two years brought us even closer. But neither one of us cried. I will not cry on demand. I will cry in the dead of night when I can't figure out how to be a "father" to my daughters and I'll lean on my sister but I won't cry in public. When my sister died and my family fell apart, I didn't cry. I held each and every one of them together. They think I have strength. I don't. I've just tried to work through things. My grief is private. It isn't for a culture that parades things before eachother.
What I am is resilient. In the random assortment of certain qualities, I can deal. I don't consider it strength. I consider it living.