i need

to write. I always have. From the poetry of my early years to this blog, I've had this need to write. For a long time I didn't accept, nor understand, it. But not anymore. Writing is just part of who I am.
and that's been the real journey, figuring out who I am. I've learned more and more as the years have past by. I haven't always liked what I learned. But I know it's the truth. Through therapy, through meditiation, through discussions, through reflection. I get closer to learning who I am. Can I accept it? But through it all, I write.
now a blog. that evidentually nobody reads. I'd like to say that's okay. I write the blog to enter into a discussion about what we all -- since I believe we're interconnected -- experience. And plus, my ego likes feedback. But maybe it shouldn't. Maybe the writing, the "putting it out there" should be enough. Lord knows there are larger issues than this that I want to address.
i've been thinking a lot about relationships and intimacy lately. After my divorce, I went through a terrible time learning how to live alone. ANd deal with the loneliness. I lived with my sister for a while, and then got an apartment by myself. It was a difficult time. My sister was amazing. She helped me so easily. But I had been married for so long, and at such an early age, that I never learned how to be on my own. I stumbled into a short (3 months) intense relationship that was a disaster. I went into therapy. A few years past. The point was that through it all I felt like someone "de-iced" from an earlier time period. I knew none of the shorthand, none of the tells.Simply, I was lost.
married for 20 years, alone for 6, through therapy and all the rest, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. The point being that I continued to examine, reflect, question. And amazing things were happening for me professionally. I was given the chance to do something truly special in a field that was going to define my life. I leapt at it. And my girls. The reflection they held up to me forced me to understand that it was not about me. And that thought settled in....deeply. It isn't about me.
i learned it was about what I give back. That, I've learned, is the real key. It isn't about getting things -- recognition, money, etc. -- it's about what we give back. What we give back nourishes what's inside us. And allows us to grow.....and change.....and keep grasping at hope.
i wish I could say I fell into a relationship and everything was fine and I'm wonderful. But I can't. Life is never that simple. More about that later. And I'm definitely not wonderful. I'm not done. There's work I need to keep doing.